ZIPPERGATE BREEDS NEW SERVICES

One of the characteristics of highly trained students who pursue the arcane science of economics is the ability to create new fiscal components that will contribute to the nation's Gross Domestic Product. Putting it another way, there is a vast army of economists, analysts and moneychangers in American society already at work devising new money-making products and services that will turn a Microsoftlike profit for well-heeled investors who momentarily have run out of ways to earn a living while doing practically nothing.

Some of these same economists have just turned their money-grabbing attention to President Bill Clinton's most recent misadventures with the female sex, most notably one Monica Lewinsky. Since all new economic theories require pseudoscientific designations these new sources of income and business enterprises have been designated as Zippergate Industries.

Basically, ZI (as it will no doubt be designated on the New York Stock Exchange) will include all new industries that will offer services at exorbitant fees to anyone who finds himself confronted by an unrequited lover who has had presence enough of mind to compile sufficient evidence of such a liaison to convince a grand jury.

Listed below are some of the new services that are currently being researched in business and economics departments at major universities throughout the nation and which should soon thereafter be available in select stores and, of course, on the Internet, for immediate use even by such personages as President (for now) Clinton. Investors for the creation of these new services should soon be flocking to put their money in something that holds such great promise in adding to the country's Gross Domestic Product, and we do mean GROSS.

Here's a preliminary list of Zippergate Industries:

*INFORMER SERVICES: If your wife doesn't have any knowledge of your soon-to-be-exposed activities, let one of our trained counselors, who is also fully trained in first-aid to handle deadly assault attacks, break the news to her as gently as possible. This will prevent her from first learning about the scandal that threatens your family structure in the morning newspaper or hearing a TV bulletin in the middle of "Seinfeld." Our slogan: "Hell hath no worse fury than a wife in front of an alimony jury."

*REVERSE SPINNERS: If the news media is devoting far more publicity to your high-profile case than you're comfortable with, let our experts wage a counteroffensive designed to shift the glare of publicity to your detractors and persecutors, a la Wag The Dog. You'll be surprised what our experts can cook up to divert public attention, all for a very low introductory price. Our slogan: "If the true facts require a spin, we'll provide you a story as clean as a pin."

*EVIDENCE REMOVAL: Using the latest advanced technology, our nuclear powered equipment can remove any telltale evidence, such as stains, fluids and cosmetic residue, that could prove incriminating in the future. In the event such specimens cannot be removed with our up-to-the-minute equipment, we have trained arsonists standing by who can, within moments, torch any building in which the evidence is stored. Our motto: "Get rid of the stain or suffer the pain."

*IMAGINATIVE IMAGES, LTD.: Need a cover story to hide your transgressions? Let our experienced fiction authors create a fool-proof alibi that even your last wife would believe. Why suffer embarrassing publicity when we can devise a better story that will win you untold admirers. Our slogan: "If the facts will shock your wife, let us write you sin-free life."

*VACATIONS, INC.: when the heat gets too hot and the news media is camped outside your home 24 hours a day, let us whisk you away to a press-free environment. We'll set you up in a luxurious resort where friendly natives will welcome you, honor you at parties and even take you golfing. Our slogan: "Think of us as your friendly hosts when your homes is haunted by media ghosts."

*INVISIBLE IDENTIFICATION UNLIMITED: Worried about potentially harmful laboratory evidence, such as DNA or fingerprints or voiceprints, that link you to embarrassing situations? If someone tries to trace your bodily fluids, our expert chemists can supply new characteristics that would have saved Nazi war criminals. Some surgery may be requires. Our slogan: "Let our magic fluid make you an anonymous druid."

*RENT-A-PREACHER SERVICE: If your difficulty can be traced to a momentary loss of morals, we'll supply you with the most sanctimonious Bible-thumper since Jimmy Swaggart. Our religious fanatics will not only absolve you of any charged offense, they will bring down God's wrath on all of your bloodsucking enemies with such venom they'll be shaking in their Italian leather shoes. Our slogan: "Let us demonize those who criticize."

*CHANGE YOUR IMAGE, INC.: If television networks persist in showing an incriminating picture of you and an embarrassing someone else, we can fix the picture in a flash. Let our video technicians, using the latest state-of-the-art equipment, substitute a different face on the offending party. You may choose from images that run the gamut from your helping Mother Teresa feed the poor to having tea with Whistler's Mother. At a slightly higher rate, we can even portray you landing at Omaha Beach on D-Day, and for a few thousand dollars more, we will picture you pulling Tom Hanks from a burning weapons carrier. Our slogan: "To households everywhere we'll beam, your life as the American dream!"

If you're interested in any of these services, please call our toll-free number 1-800-PEN-1600. If someone named Hillary answers, hang up. Or visit our Website at usa.impeachnow.wjc.

Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of Missouri News and Editorial Service.