WOULD-BE PARENTS SHOULD BE PREPARED FOR ADOPTION

When Patty looks at the wide-eyed youngster playing at her feet she doesn't think of the child as her adopted daughter. To Patty, this child is her daughter, plain and simple."No matter what, she's our daughter," said Patty, who asked that her last name not be used for privacy reasons.Patty and her husband, like many couples seeking to adopt children, faced infertility issues that prevented them from conceiving. After coming to terms with the fact that they couldn't have a child of their own, they looked into adoption.While adoption is an alternative for an increasing number of couples , it is not an easy process, said Molly Strickland, lead social worker for child welfare services at Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Southeast Missouri, the adoption agency Patty and her husband used.Couples must endure background checks and home visits, fill out reams of forms, go through classes and, depending on the type of adoption process they choose, deal with bureacracy and set backs and face a wait that can sometimes last years."You need to be patient and flexible," Strickland said.The child that comes into the family through the adoption process makes all this worthwhile for couples like Lee-Ann and Stephen Wigg. They have adopted two children, one through an independent domestic process and one child from an international adoption agency."You have to be sure that's what you want to do," said Lee-Ann Wigg, noting the bureaucratic entanglements she and her husband had to snake through, especially with the international adoption. But her two children have turned what was once a couple into a family."You really have to want kids and really have to love kids," said Kathy Upchurch as she and her husband, Dan, explained how they have adopted three children through the Missouri Division of Family Services and are foster parents to three other children.This is especially true for DFS children, who often have special needs, she said. But she feels it's all been worth it, especially with the support she and Dan have received from members of their families, church and DFS.It's also helped that the Upchurches knew what to expect through the training they received.The more people know about the adoption process, parenting an adopted child and parenting in general, the better the outcome, said Candy Wilfong, adoption specialist with the DFS office in Cape Girardeau.In the past year, a requirement was instituted that those adopting children through DFS attend 39 hours of training that covers parenting, dealing with special needs children, how to help children deal with separation and loss and how to ease the adjustment of the child into the family."We have found that the better prepared people are for adoption, the fewer disruptions there are," Wilfong said.This is true no matter what type of adoption process is chosen, Wilfong said. Those looking into adoption, should consider the following, Wilfong and Strickland said:n If infertility is a problem, put those issues to rest before proceeding with adoption.n With couples, both spouses should be ready for adoption. "Both must be comitted to adding a child to the family through adoption," Strickland said.n Make sure extended family members are comfortable with the idea of the adoption. Family members can provide a wonderful support system if they are accepting and loving toward this new child, Wilfong said.n Learn about the options for adoption and talk to those who have been through the process.The two adoption services with local offices are Lutheran Family and Children's Services and DFS.Lutheran Family and Children's Services helps women with unplanned pregnancies. If adoption is the choice, the agency finds homes for these infants. There is no waiting list for couples looking to adopt minority and special needs infants, but couples can wait two or more years for caucasian infants. The agency has requirements regarding marital status, age and religion. The agency also works with those choosing international adoption.The Division of Family Services handles adoptions of children in its custody. In many cases, the rights of the birth parents have been terminated because of abuse or neglect. These children are usually not infants. The are no requirements as to marital status, regligion and education, through these may be considered in placement. Waiting time is usually less than a year.There are many other private agencies, including some Internet ones.No matter what option you choose, it's important to learn all you can about the agency and the process, Strickland said. She suggests asking questions about how long the service has been handling adoptions and the length of service and qualifications of the staff."The best thing you can do is get recommendations from people who have adopted children," Strickland said.Those looking into adoption should be prepared to have their lives examined. There are criminal and abuse and neglect checks, home studies, questions about discipline, interviews with family members."We get really nosey because these are our children we're placing," Wilfong said.For more information on local adoption agencies, contact the Lutheran Family and Children's Services, 334-5866; the Department( of Family Services, 290-5800. For general adoption information, a good Web site is National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (www.calib.com/naic).)

CONFERENCE WEDNESDAY

In celebration of November as National Adoption Awareness Month, Lutheran Family and Children's Services will host a conference from 9 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Wednesday.Keynote speaker will be Dee A. Paddock, a psychotherapist, consultant and speaker who specializes in "families with a difference" issues. She will speak on "Bent But Not Broken: Building Resilient Families."Registration is $55 and can be done at the door between 8:15 and 9 a.m. Wednesday. For more information, call 334-5866.

FAMILY SUPPORT IMPORTANT

Kathy and Dan Upchurch are thankful that their families have supported them in their decision to adopt children."If your families don't support you, that's just another hurdle you have to overcome," Dan said.He said his and Kathy's parents and siblings treat their adopted children the same as they would biological children and that extends to the foster children the Upchurches care for, as well."At Christmas they bring presents for all the children," Dan said. "They treat them all alike."This is especially important for children adopted through the Division of Family Services, Kathy believes. Because many of these children haven't had much of a family life."We want them to know what a family is about," she said. "So we are always doing things together -- activities, church, vacation. When we go, we all go."

INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION

The most difficult part of the international adoption Lee-Ann and Stephen Wigg went through to add their son to their family wasn't the paperwork or the maze of bureaucratic hurdles, though there were plenty of both."The worst part was watching a 90-minute video describing 30 children and having to choose just one," Lee-Ann said. "You just hope that some angel taps you on the shoulder and says that's the one," Stephen said.At that time, the Wiggs had already been through one adoption, a domestic adoption that brought a daughter into their lives."I always thought It took two miracles to bring us our daughter," Stephen said. The miracle of her birth and the miracle that we were in the right place at the right time to become her parents."With the international adoption, which Lee-Ann worked on almost full time for months and which required a trip to Russia to claim their then 7-month-old son, "the miracle was that we could pull it off," Stephen said.

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE RICH

Patty and Paul aren't wealthy, but they were still able to adopt an infant through a private agency."We've got a moderate income, but we manage our money well," said Patty, who asked that her last name not be used for privacy reasons.Molly Strickland, lead social worker for child welfare services at Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Southeast Missouri, the adoption agency Patty and Paul used, said there is a misconception that couples have to be wealthy in order to adopt a child, especially an infant. "This just isn't true," she said.Lutheran Family and Children's Services operates on a sliding scale according to family income. Cost, on average, is less than $6,000 for a minority or special needs child, $6,000 to $15,000 for a Caucasian infant, Strickland said. Plus, there are adoption tax credits available to many couples, she said.Cost to adopt children through the Division of Family Services is generally minimal and federal and state subsidies and resources are often available.