Two incomes, one dwelling, one potential disaster

~ When the income-earning power of two people in a relationship isn't equal, only a careful balancing act can save a relationship.

There are some issues in a relationship that intensify when the couple moves in together. Probably the biggest of these issues is MONEY. I have placed the word in all caps to emphasize how scary and dangerous it can be to a couple.

The problem with money is that it is very likely that you and your partner will not make the same amount of money (unless you both happen to work in the same exact position in the same company and are the same sex). This unavoidable truth is the root of the money problem.

Take made-up couple Joe and Susie. Joe lives on his own and is dating Susie, who lives with her parents. Susie is still a student and Joe has a full-time job. Guess who makes more money? But it doesn't matter now, because all Susie has to worry about is buying clothing and such, while Joe is struggling with the rent, utilities, etc.

Cut to a year later. Susie has moved in with Joe and finds herself in a tight situation. She is still making the same amount of money that she did before she moved in, but this time, she is helping Joe share the burden of living expenses. Paying the utility bill, for example -- Susie never imagined that heat could cost so much. Although she has tacked on this extra spending, Susie has not gotten past her old spending habits, and soon finds herself broke. Susie has never been broke before. She decides after much deliberation to rob a bank. She does so and gets caught, spending the next few years in jail.

Okay, so I went too far with that one. But you can see how easy it is to fall into the money trap. Not only does Susie struggle, but nearly every purchase she makes leads to some sort of animosity -- Joe may scrutinize the purchase of a dress or a pair of shoes when he wouldn't have before they moved in together, which Susie is sure to resent.

Let me use an example from my own relationship. Recently Boyfriend X (As he shall hence be known) and I were grocery shopping. I asked, with weak hesitancy in my voice, who would be paying for the groceries.

"I don't know," replied Boyfriend X, which is what both of us say when we mean, "Not me." He shortly suggested that I pay for the groceries, since he had been paying for us to eat out a lot lately. I agreed to this logic.

We get to the register and the total makes my wallet hide at the very bottom of my purse with my lip gloss and spare change. $150! We weren't eating out anywhere that nice.

I bit my tongue and paid, knowing that I was left with zero money until I got paid in a week. I must admit at this point in the column that yes, I am Susie. Anger brewed inside of me.

Thankfully, I didn't raise an objection. When I got home and thought it over, I realized that I didn't pay any rent to live with Boyfriend X, and the utilities plus groceries pretty much equaled out. No argument was started over the grocery bill, but there could have easily been one if I hadn't been rational. Once again, proof at how easy money can insert a wedge between two people.

How is the money problem to be solved, then? It never will be. This is the truth. You and your partner will always fight over who pays what, and you will both always buy stupid crap that pisses each other off. But you can help make things easier by sitting down and talking with your partner about things. If Boyfriend X and I had discussed the division of rent, utilities and groceries earlier I wouldn't have gotten mad in the first place, probably (although who eats that much food? Really). Rather than "taking turns" (which will inevitably lead to some inequality that will make someone mad), divide as equally as possible, still keeping in mind the difference in each person's income.

Money may make the world go round, but it can also put your relationship at a halt. Talk frequently about the situation, because unless you decide to become Buddhists and sell your possessions, it's never going to go away.