True Love would have dropped $52K on the 'Twelve Days' gifts this year

Giving and receiving gifts is a traditional part of the Christmas season. Three wise men brought gifts to the Baby Jesus, and today's Christmas trees overlook mountains of presents.

Among the most famous Christmas gifts are those enumerated in "The Twelve Days of Christmas," a long list of useful, odd and mysterious presents given by an apparently wealthy True Love.

As Christmas arrives in this fiscally bumpy year, a question arises: What would all those gifts cost?

There actually is an answer. Sort of.

Not every gift is available in exact form, requiring a bit of flexibility in procurement.

And here's the thing: On each day, True Love gives a new gift and the previous gifts, too.

So, me -- I, you, whomever -- isn't just getting one partridge in a pear tree, we're getting 12. And, a whole bunch of gold rings.

With that ...

A partridge in a pear tree

What is a partridge? It's a game bird native to Europe, Asia and Africa.

The Southeast Missouri equivalent would be a quail.

A recent social media posting -- without a name attached -- offered brown and golden Jumbo Coturnix quail for $1.25.

For the pear tree, Sunny Hill Gardens and Florist has just the thing -- an anjou pear tree. Ten feet tall. Single-pollinator. Ready to bear fruit this year. Yours for $60.

Two turtle doves

True Love has a thing for birds, as will become obvious.

Not exactly turtle doves, but close enough: two ringneck doves, born Aug. 9, one white with a very faint hint of apricot on its upper back; the second one is orange -- $20. We like to locally source our gifts, and these are available in Puxico, Missouri.

Three French hens

The song originated in England, and so it makes sense the Brits would look to France for some of their cuisine (assuming these hens were meant for the dinner table).

We won't travel as far afield for our hens -- Schnucks has a sale on cornish hens -- $4 each; $12 total.

Four calling birds

Again with the birds.

According to some versions of the song, this lyric began as "colly" birds. What is a colly bird? It's not actually a type of bird, but a color. Black. So, any black bird will do.

This one time, frugality comes into play, and these "calling" birds will actually be "colly" birds. Blackbirds. And those are free. If you can catch them, but that's not our problem.

Five golden rings

Ah, one of the stars of the show!

And this needs no interpretation. Regan Laiben, sales manager at Jayson Jewelers in Cape Girardeau put together an array of five rings sure to bring a smile -- $2,872.

Five golden rings are seen at Jayson Jewelers on Tuesday. This particular selection would cost $2,872 if given as part of a modern-day "The Twelve Days of Christmas."Rick Fahr

Six geese a-laying

Nuance isn't a strong suit with this list, but in this case the qualifying "a-laying" matters.

Neal Franke, co-owner of SEMO Livestock Sales in Fruitland, exlained why. Geese for sale around Christmastime would sell for $8-$10 (though one goose brought $14 at Friday's sale), but geese lay eggs in the spring, and at that time, a goose could sell for as much as $50. Times six -- $300.

Seven swans a-swimming

Swans aren't easy to come by, it turns out.

And so the search for them led to Illinois, 20 miles east of St. Louis to be more precise. There, we found 7-month-old mute swans at a smooth $350 apiece -- $3,500.

Eight maids a-milking

Though dairies don't usually have people a-milking cows, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the median farmworker wage in Missouri is $13.50. Milking a cow takes less than 10 minutes, so even hiring eight maids for the task amounts to one-and-a-third hours of labor -- call it $17.95.

Melinda Morrison, left, and Isabel Stueve milk a group of cows Sunday, Jan. 12, 2020, at Schoen Farms Inc. near Oak Ridge, Missouri.Southeast Missourian file

Nine ladies dancing

Tatiana Parham, coach of Southeast Missouri State University's Sundancers troupe, said a one-song performance involving nine of the dancers would cost $450, unless the event required special costumes.

Southeast Missouri State University SundancersSoutheast Missourian file

Ten lords a-leaping

It's not at all clear why these lords are leaping, but one interpretation is a performance of some sort.

Kara Skelton, owner of Academy of Dance Arts in Cape Girardeau, said she could provide 10 lords for the seemingly low rate of $150. Though, to be fair, pricing leaping lords isn't a common task.

Eleven pipers piping

"Pipers" could apply to many types of musicians, but one of the most iconic musical sounds in the world comes from bagpipes.

Capt. Shawn Morris of Cape Girardeau Fire Department happens to also be a bagpiper, though he's not piping at the moment. A severe finger injury has kept him out of bagpiping commission for a while, and he said all the little life things, such as having children and cutting his fingers, has cramped his musical style. But, were he to get the band back together, the pipers would charge $300-$400 for a concert. No charge for the kilts. Call it $350.

Twelve drummers drumming

There is a Christmas lesson here: Don't wait until the last minute to do your shopping.

Southeast Missouri State University's Steel Drum Ensemble would be perfect in this role. Alas, the semester ended and everyone scattered to the winds before a quote was available.

The Jerry Ford Orchestra has a drummer (though not 12), and will suffice in a pinch. According to thebash.com, hiring the band costs from $1,800 to $3,500. For just the percussion, say the low end of the range, $1,800.

What's the bottom line?

So, what does all that come to?

One round of all of the gifts totals -- no, sales tax does not exist in this world -- $9.097.20.

But remember, True Love gives all but one of these gifts at least twice. So, what's the total cost?

Sit down.

As outlined in the song, True Love would have spent $51,898.75 on these gifts.

But the blackbirds were free.