The spa

My job here at the Cat Ranch is kinda like the position of the queen of England. I've got the title that sounds good, but I ain't got much to say about what's really goin' to take place. The wife, kinda like Margaret Thatcher, is prime minister. Now prime minister don't sound as good as queen, but she's the lady with the fuzz and her teeth are the ones what does the bitin'.

Anyway, here a while back, I was tellin' you about the wife gettin' on this exercise kick tryin' to maintain her middle-aged girlish figure. She decides to get this exercise bench. I ain't too hot on the idea, but the prime minister says "exercise bench" and the exercise bench we got.

So far, she ain't touched the thing, but I've lost pounds movin' it around the basement, tryin' to get it out of the way. Now, she's come up with this spa down in Florida or someplace.

Just like the prime minister, she always acts real humble when she's goin' to go someplace or do somethin' that don't make a lot of sense. But just to make me feel better, she will ask my permission. You, me and she all know that what I say don't make any difference -- she's goin' to do what she wants anyway.

I'm askin' what's so special about a spa in Florida? Can't you find one in St. Louis or maybe Chicago as they are a little closer to home? "Oh no," says she. "There is only one in the world like the one in Florida." "Really?" says I. "What's so special about it?"

Then I gets this song and dance about lots of exercise, and they won't let you eat as much as you want, and they make sure you get the right amount of rest, etc., etc.

I'm shakin' my head in disbelief. Here I have been tryin' to scratch out a livin' on the Cat Ranch doin' everything from truck farmin' to hustlin' bars and ain't got enough sense to know I'm hitched wrong.

Shoot, I should have got into the health spa business. You see, I've got a natural. I could charge folks to clean my basement and lose pounds while movin' that exercise bench from one room to the other.

They could have loads of fun hoein', mowin' and wood cuttin'. And as for that diet, we've got a lock on that. You can eat all you want and still lose weight.

It just so happens that you ain't goin' to want much of my prime minister's cookin' and even less of mine. As for the rest, you won't have any trouble catchin' Z's after you've worked all day and dined at the Cat Ranch.

COURTESY of Tom Runnels Publications. Copyrighted and registered by Tom Runnels and Saundra Runnels Revocable Trust. Printed in The Banner Press: April 28, 1988.