Teen ready for another remodeling project

By Sarah Polen

My family recently bought a new house. This may not strike terror into the hearts of the masses, but it certainly frightens me. This is because my parents can't just buy a house and move in. They have to buy a house, rip everything out and completely remodel -- and I mean EVERYTHING. This includes carpet, heart-shaped bathtubs, the roof ... and if they really get on a roll they'll redo the neighbor's landscaping to make our house look better.

My parents have been married for 20 years, and they've probably lived a different place for every year they've been married. The house we recently bought is approximately the 11th house/apartment/duplex/ double-wide that I've lived in, and considering we remodel just about every place we live, I've learned a thing or two about buying houses and remodeling. To share my knowledge, I've compiled a short list of advice for people who are trying to buy and/or sell a house:

1. Just because a house comes equipped with a stereo system, intercom system and central vacuum doesn't necessarily mean they work. Don't be fooled, these things aren't that great anyway. Let's fight obesity by actually walking upstairs to talk to someone instead of resorting to the intercom!

2. Don't wallpaper. Ever. It's not easy to remove. Our current endeavor with wallpaper includes a chain saw and a blowtorch.

3. Avoid dark-colored toilets. They are scary to children and can cause severe psychological damage.

4. I'm petitioning for a book called "Pool Care for Dummies." If you don't know how to take care of a pool, don't buy a house that has one. Apparently it takes a double-major in engineering and chemistry from MIT to run a pool properly.

5. Despite the price of building houses in Cape Girardeau nowadays, if you buy a house and then remodel the WHOLE thing, it probably would've been cheaper to build.

6. People on The Learning Channel are trained professionals who have the financial backing of a major corporation. Just because they can stick hay to a wall for a thousand dollars and say it's cool doesn't mean it's smart -- or cool.

7. Any carpet that is not cream-colored or berber is constantly on sale for a reason.

I'd make a longer list, but I have to go help pull up carpet and find my hacksaw.

Sarah Polen is a senior at Central High School in Cape Girardeau.