Stay-at-home moms stay the course

Mothers: We all had one. Some scold, some plead, some worry and some hover, but they all love, and they all raise children. But that is where the similarities end. There are as many different types of mothers as there are children.

All mothers work. Some work outside the home, and some work from the home. Some are stay-at-home mothers -- women who have never worked outside the home -- or women who put their career on temporary or permanent hold because they want to raise their children and be a full-time mother. But let me make this very clear: Every mother is a full-time mother, whether she leaves her home to work or stays there all day long.

Most children today have both parents working at jobs outside the home. But in decades past, that was not the case. In fact, having a job outside the family was an anomaly, not the norm.

My friend Scott Brown, who grew up with a stay-at-home mother, recalls many advantages of having his mother at home every day: "We had breakfast. She got us off to a good start. But, even more importantly, when we got home from school, she was there," he says.

He fondly recalls the family having supper all together. Everyone was present, and each individual would reflect upon the events of his or her day. Conversations happened at the supper table. After supper, everyone would go to the backyard and play games. Their games were not necessarily organized ones. The father would make a garden and was able to have time to do so because the mother's evening meal was prepared early.

Most of Scott's friends' mothers also stayed at home. Those who did work outside the home worked in jobs that could coincide with the school day. He believes one of the reasons so many mothers entered the work force was because of how Americans' views changed.

"People seem to think they need lots of stuff now," Scott says. "Back then, people bought fewer cars, and their new tires were re-treads. Life was about people being comfortable, not about people getting everything they desired."

My mother was a stay-at-home mother as well, and she did not watch television all day long. She was very involved in church and was able to be a room mother while I was in elementary school.

As a child, I never considered what mothers do. Like most kids, I just knew my mother took care of all of us.

Now, as a mother of two grown children, I realize my mother was probably quite bored. Our house was very organized and clean. My mother made us lots of homemade cookies and did all the cooking and the laundry. As a result, I didn't learn very good life skills. I did know how to do laundry and clean a little bit, but I knew next to nothing about cooking. I could make cupcakes and cookies, but nothing that would stick to your ribs.

My mother is an avid reader and enjoys discussing what she has read. She never speaks in terms of an English teacher, but she does remember that kind of information. She remembers what a hyperbole is from her high school English days. She exhibits a fine command of the English language and tends to correct anyone who does not. She has a great sense of style, always being able to mix, match and coordinate clothing. She has a good eye for decorating. My mother could have been quite successful in many fields, but instead she chose to stay home with us, to pour all of her time and energy into the job set before her: raising two babies to adulthood.

If you are a parent, you are smiling because you know we are parents always. The children just become adult children. The parenting, the worrying after them and the helping them never stops.

I was not a stay-at-home mother. I was an educator. I could justify not being home every day pretty well. I never had to work the night shift. I never had to work holidays, and I never had a summer job. I was off on snow days and most of the holidays my children had off. My house was clean, but rarely was it immaculate.

When they were older, I was home for a few years, and they really did not see much need in helping around the house. They would say, "You're home all day. Just what do you do?" They did not say that to be rude, but many people would say the same.

The working mother might suppose the stay-at-home mother has it much easier -- no bosses, no deadlines, no office policies or politics. But think about it -- the stay-at-home mother can rarely reason with her small charges or put them off. She cannot run away. Children may run away from home, but mothers never can. Well, maybe they can, but most have to be home in time to fix supper.

Nowadays some dads stay at home. I feel that needs to be said. Some grandparents fulfill the role of the stay-at-home mother. My father used to pick up my youngest daughter and transport her to gymnastics class because I was at work. My daughter knew her grandpa would show up with an afternoon snack in tow -- usually a banana and some raisins. My father-in-law insisted upon feeding my daughters a full meal. We tried to reason with him, but he stood his ground: "Those are my grandkids and I will be darned if they are going to starve to death while they wait for you to get home from teaching."

What happened to all those mommies who stayed home? Was it the economy? Was it our greed? Maybe it was a little of both. But I fear it might have been something worse. It might have been how people started to downplay motherhood's valuable contribution to society. If one could not put a salary or price tag on it, it seemed to have no value. These women were made to feel as if what they were doing was not all that important. What could possibly be more important than raising your child to be happy, healthy and strong? Any time invested in another human being, our child or someone else's, is never wasted.

That is not to say that women who work outside the home do not raise their children as well. They provide those children with a different kind of role model. Women of my generation were told we can have it all: the white house with the picket fence, the happy husband and the happy children. Sometimes we can, but sometimes we just wear ourselves out trying. There is no perfect prototype of the perfect mother -- stay at home or work from home or both.

We need to learn to value people. We must stop making women who choose to stay home feel like less, because they do something of so much value that we can never put an amount on it.

Though I don't remember to tell her often enough, whatever I had achieved in my life, I owe to my parents: my mother and father. We can never repay. We can only pay forward. My mother would think it quite sentimental and quite silly if I were to tell her all of this, so I will share it with you, and hopefully, we can all pay it forward.