SINGLE PARENTS FACE SPECIAL CHALLENGES; FAMILY VALUE ISSUE DOESN'T CONCERN DAD

On Nov. 7, Bill Bolton officially will resign from single fatherhood.

He will marry Rhonda McMillan and she will become the stepmother of his 6-year-old son, Ian. That will be the closest Ian's been to nuclear familyhood since his parents separated four years ago.

Bolton couldn't care less about this business of family values as a campaign issue. He does care about providing Ian with the best life he can. Though he has worked at managing the realities of single parenting, Bolton thinks a two-parent family is still ideal. That's how Rhonda began fitting into their family picture.

"I wasn't into dating or casual sex. I wanted a wife," Bolton said. "I felt Ian needed that woman's influence.

"I just laid it out: `I'm looking for a partner. He's part of the deal. ...It's real hard and I need help.'

"She said, `That's cool.'"

Single parenthood has been a trial upon a trial for the 42-year-old Bolton. On Mother's Day 1988, he began his recovery from the substance abuse he says ruined his marriage. Three weeks later, his then-wife took Ian and moved to Arkansas.

Ian returned to Cape Girardeau to be with his father more than two years ago. At first it was to be a short stay while Ian's mother sorted out problems of her own. "It was kind of scary that first week," Bolton said, "trying to find ways to entertain him. Trying to reacquaint ourselves."

Weeks became months. Ian's mother lost her mobile home. Most of his toys and belongings went into storage. "The home he had in Arkansas, he lost while he was here," Bolton said. "Trying to explain that to a 4-year-old was really tough. She would call and he would cry."

Finally, Bolton filed for divorce, asking for custody. Ian's mother didn't come to the hearing.

Bolton, who long made his living as a drummer in rock 'n' roll and country bands, has worked at the Gibson Recovery Center in Cape Girardeau since 1989. He now is a detox technician and is training to become a substance abuse counselor.

When Ian first came to live with his father, he stayed with Bolton's sister during the day. Eventually, Bolton received a low-income subsidy to enroll Ian into the Christian School for the Young Years. He's now a first-grader at Franklin School.

"The hardest thing was if he got sick and needed to stay home from school and I needed to work," Bolton said. "If he was too sick to go to my mom's, I'd have to stay home from work and take a day without pay. That was hard, the financial part."

He's gotten a lot of support from people at work. He also completed a parenting skills program at the Community Counseling Center. As a graduate, he belongs to the Families Learning to Succeed program support group.

"People need help with parenting skills," he said. "Just because they have a child doesn't mean they know how to raise that child."

Father and son's favorite things to do together are reading and playing baseball. Ian also comes along on weekends to the Little Ole Opry, where Bolton plays drums in the house band. It's a family, soft-drinks-only atmosphere. Often Ian sits on stage watching his dad perform.

"I meet people every day who are in the same shoes I was years ago," Bolton said. "I want them to know there is hope. If they get sober, they can get their children back someday."

He has never relinquished the family ideal that kept him from ending his marriage sooner. "That's what I couldn't let go of when we split up. Both parents. But that's not reality," he said.

"Single-parent families are a reality. Children are better off in a single-parent family that is stable with a lot of love and consistency than a two-parent family that was chaotic.

"I think single parents need support," he said. "I don't think they need to be slammed."

Now those single-parent-family days are nearly over. Bolton said, "I missed the companionship, the input on decision making. I think (Ian) missed a mother's gentleness."

He still longs to see his mother, but Ian says he likes having Rhonda around. Something has been added instead of taken away.