Shyness is normal in children, but at times may signal underlying issues

Parents want their children to have happy lives. Part of that happiness involves being engaged with peers and with others in the community.

For kids who are shy, that can be a bit tricky, but some people are just hard-wired that way, experts say.

"Some of us are predisposed; we are shy, reticent about speaking," says Utahna Hancock, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in couples and family therapy at The Dale & Hancock Center in Cape Girardeau. "While some of us are outgoing and want to be right in the middle of things, other people are introverted speakers and think things out by reading."

Even though parents may be tempted to push their children into more open interaction, Sue Cook, a retired school counselor, says the problem is not necessarily the child.

"Parents need to not impose their standards for socialization onto their children," she says. "Let the child be who he is. It's OK to be quiet."

Boy (7-9) playing hide and seek against tree trunk, close up,side view

Some children just have difficulty knowing how to handle social situations, Cook says, and the parents can help out a lot just by letting the child know what to expect.

"You might say, 'We're going to Aunt Martha's house. She's loud, and her house is always messy,'" Cook suggests.

Role playing, a tool frequently used by therapists, also can be used by parents to help ease a child's fears about meeting new people. Cook poses a scenario in which a parent is taking a child to the office to meet co-workers.

"When we get there, someone might ask you how you like school. What would you say if someone asks you how you like school?" she suggests.

This gives the child an opportunity to think through the situation instead of being put on the spot. Knowing what to expect can go a long way toward making a child feel more at ease, which can help them for years to come.

close-up of boy resting on a table

"When we help our kids work through things, we are empowering them," Cook says.

In some cases, a child may want to make friends at school, but just doesn't know how to do it.

Hancock says she sometimes makes suggestions that might help, like encouraging a shy child who's afraid to ask to join a group playing ball, to stand on the outskirts tossing his own ball up and down. That could lead to an invitation to join the game.

Other children, who weren't necessarily born with a timid personality, choose that behavior.

"Some kids are not shy, but they use the shyness disguise, because life experiences have taught them not to trust anybody," Hancock says. "They're going to hold back and size up the situation before they commit themselves."

Children whose parents had a bad divorce or have had substance abuse issues, or children who were victims of physical or sexual abuse, may hide behind a veneer of silence.

"These kids are cautious," she says. "They're not going to commit themselves to revealing anything about themselves until they know for sure that they can trust you, and it's not easy to come by, getting the trust of a kid who has come through some pretty tough times."

The absolute worst thing to do is label a child by saying, "He's shy." Instead, when the child ducks behind the parents' legs to hid from strangers, try, "We're just going through a cautious stage, but she'll get over it," or "We're just not feeling like talking today," Hancock suggests.

"Just let them know that it's not a label that has to stick," she says.

According to Cook, who retired after a 20-year career in school counseling and worked for 11 years before that as a mental health counselor, there are several behavioral red flags that might signal a problem.

"Parents can tell when they're not sleeping, not wanting to go to school, or crying because they don't have any friends," Cook says.

These behaviors may mean it's time to seek professional help for the child.

"Shyness becomes a real issue when kids are too shy to go to school," Hancock says. "Those kinds of issues could be attributed to high anxiety or a person who has a low threshold to stress. That's where we therapists come in."

This type of therapy is generally not long-term.

"Most kids who come in with shyness or anxiety are not usually with me more than three months, six months at the most," she says. "We start with once a week and stretch the sessions out to once every two weeks or once a month."

Therapy can take several forms, Cook says, but for younger children, play therapy is the way to go. Therapists may use puppets to help children articulate their issues.

"They will naturally pick up the puppets and start acting out what's going on in their lives," Cook says.

Art therapy is another form of play therapy. Hancock is a board-certified art therapist and explains that effective art therapy may bring a different but happy challenge, because play therapy is fun.

"They don't want to quit," she says. In cases like these, she sometimes ends the therapy by telling the child she believes he can handle it on his own, but often the therapy ends at the child's request.

"One of these days, they come in and I always hope they're going to say, 'OK, I'm all right now.' I love it when they say that," Hancock says.