She loves me not … Because I gave her a lame gift

Ah, Valentine's Day. A time to show affection for the one you love because you have to. One day out of the year when we are pelted with red and pink hearts, and puns such as "Bee mine" (with a picture of a bee, get it?).

Fact: Valentine's is the tackiest of all holidays, beating out GREEN St. Patty's Day and the Bedazzler of holidays, New Year's Eve.

Fellas, you know what Feb. 14 means: You have one chance out of the year not to screw this up. Birthdays, other holidays all pale in romantic comparison to the almighty V-Day. Sure, your girlfriend or wife may say, "Oh honey, you don't have to buy me anything for Valentine's because you're so good to me all of the time and it's a made-up holiday anyway and blah blah blah," but this can be loosely translated to mean, "You'd better buy me a gift that would impress Paris Hilton or you're going to see 'Tristan and Isolde' by yourself."

So what's a guy to do? There are always the standbys -- flowers, chocolates, lingerie. Yawn! "Here you are babe, I've expressed my love for you in ways that only 10,000 other men in this state alone can." So as a free service to certain men who will be staring at a sea of red and pink at Wal-Mart at midnight on Feb. 12, I've provided a list of how you can spice up those lackluster gifts.

Flowers

Nothing says love like a slow, ugly death. Cut flowers, although yes, very beautiful and yes, very romantic, will end up a pile of withered remnants by Feb. 19. In addition, it's hard to find anything but roses and carnations, and who hasn't seen those. If you must insist on bestowing your mate with something "alive," why not a goldfish? This cute and quirky present will at least last until March 19. If your girl doesn't have time to take care of a fish, stop by your local greenhouse and get something potted -- an actual LIVE flower or plant. Maybe something she can plant in the spring or a houseplant for her desk, or even a cactus -- for a girlfriend with extremely limited time.

Chocolates

"I know you're always worried about your figure and watching your weight and exercising and stuff, baby, so here's a giant heart-shaped box of calories." NO! Bigger does not equal better in this case. And just because something is shaped like a heart, doesn't mean it is a pure representation of the deep love you hold. Don't spend $15 on 30 pounds of bad chocolate. Go for the exotic. You can order all sorts of luxury food items from Amazon.com that can be used all-year round, like organic sea salt or rare organic Hawaiian white honey. Order her some fancy teas and coffees that she normally wouldn't buy for herself. You can even order her a box of fresh Clementine oranges and label it "For my darling Clementine." I know, sappy. But way better than ho-hum chocolates.

Lingerie

What a great Valentine's gift … for you. Sure, women love to feel sexy and many women love to "dress up." But remember this gift is mostly for her enjoyment. When I worked at Victoria's Secret, men came in by the droves to buy red lingerie for their significant others. You know how many girls who worked at Vicki's liked the color red? Zero. Here's what most women buy when they buy something sexy for themselves: a bra and panty set, a camisole and panty set, or a corset and panties. Mostly the lingerie purchased by women is black, has no sort of tassel or rope-and-pulley system, and does not require the jaws of life to slip out of. So save the peekaboo cutouts for your fantasies and buy something sensible, for crying out loud. Although I know many women who would prefer receiving a bathrobe to any sort of lingerie … it may not be super hot, but she'll be happy. And what's hotter than a happy, comfortable woman?

Jewelry

Face it: Unless it's super fantastic or an engagement ring, women will not be bowled over by the jewelry you choose. Sure, we'll coo over it and thank you and wear it out of obligation whether it matches our outfit or not, but the truth of the matter is we want to bury that tired diamond-accented heart on a thin gold chain at the bottom of our jewelry box. Or sell it. That's why you're better off buying costume jewelry. Why? Because if your budget is lower, you can get a fantastic costume piece or a lackluster real piece. Chances are, your mate will be more impressed with the creative, ornate costume jewelry. Some sites to check out for inspiration or to buy include:

tarinatarantino.com, for high end costume jewelry

so-charmed.com, for creative, elaborate jewelry

afterdarkjewelry.com, for your gothic sweetheart

smallthingsdesigns.com, for simple and pretty "indie"-style jewelry.

There's no secret to buying good Valentine's presents. The trick is simply to think of her and what she likes and what she's like, and buy based on that, not what you think a Valentine's present should be. Believe me, girls have a lot harder time shopping for you …