Safe House helps Navy vet escape abusive husband

Editor's note: Sue's name has been changed to protect her from potential retaliation.

"Sue" served her country for four years in the Navy. But it was a blind date that led her into a war zone.

She met her ex-husband through a friend who was dating his brother and convinced her to let him take her out.

The pair got along well at first, Sue said, but about two years into their relationship, he became verbally abusive, calling her names and accusing her of showing off for other men.

"It was very gradual, because it started, like, with the name-calling," she said. "... It started with the verbal abuse, but it got to where it would be -- it was physical."

Sue enrolled in culinary school in 2007. Her ex-husband accused her of cheating on him with other students and didn't want her to ride with men on field trips.

"He would send me to school with bruises on my face, and he was a mess," she said.

Sue said he isolated her from family and friends and prevented her from doing things she enjoyed.

"He was just real mean. Very mean. Very controlling," she said.

Sue knew she needed to get out, but she was scared.

"I was very afraid, because I didn't know the consequences. I didn't know the repercussions," she said. "I didn't know what would happen. ... I didn't know if I was coming or going."

Getting out

Becky Holloway, legal advocate at Safe House for Women in Cape Girardeau, said it takes most victims of domestic violence seven to eight attempts to leave their abusers for good.

It took Sue two.

The first time she tried to leave, her ex-husband knocked out her tooth, then lured her back with an apology, she said.

"He convinced me, 'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm never going to do it again,'" Sue said.

Fear kept Sue with him, but she was looking for an opportunity to leave. When she found it, she never looked back, she said.

"I was not going to be a statistic," she said. "I knew when I got on the Greyhound bus to come here that I was not going to come back."

The final straw

A year ago, Sue and her ex-husband were at his mother's house when a man she's known for 50 years called to check on her.

"Mr. Controlling took my phone to see who it was. ... It went to heck in a hand basket real fast," Sue said.

Her ex-husband cursed her out, beat her and broke her phone, she said.

He told her, "I should post your picture on Facebook with the statement, 'This is what you get when you're a bad girl,'" Sue said.

She ended up with a fractured eye socket, head trauma -- and a way out.

Unbeknownst to Sue, her niece and another family member had sent police pictures of her injuries.

Officers arrested her husband, took her to the station to file a report and arranged for her to go to the hospital to have her injuries examined and treated.

Getting out

Sue lived in St. Louis at the time. She wanted to put some distance between herself and her abuser, so she called Safe House.

"They told me that they had a bed for me. I said OK, I would be there," she said. "They held a bed for me until I arrived."

Safe House took pictures of Sue's injuries and helped her file a restraining order against her then-husband.

At her first court date, Sue saw him outside the courthouse and ducked into a nearby building, where two women locked the door and called a sheriff's deputy to walk her to court.

In court, Sue's husband characterized the situation as "a big disagreement" and got the case continued.

At the next court date, things got out of hand.

"We knew [Sue[']s ex-husband] was pretty feisty the time before, so we had arranged for her to get to the courthouse with another staff member," Holloway said.

This time, the man arrived with his mother and sister.

"The women got mad at [Sue], and we kind of just got in between them and stopped them from getting to [Sue] and put [Sue] in the courtroom and locked the door," Holloway said.

While Sue's husband was outside the courtroom, a deputy tried to serve him with divorce papers.

"He basically refuses to take them, and the bailiff says, 'Well, you're served,'" Holloway said.

He dropped the papers, announced he was going to kill Sue and left, Holloway said.

A few minutes later, his sister came running back in to report he had tried to kill himself by running his truck into a tree outside the courthouse.

"Idiot," Sue said. "... He did it all because I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't responding."

While the bailiffs were outside dealing with Sue's ex-husband, the judge had to help Holloway keep Sue's angry sister-in-law out of the courtroom, Holloway said.

Emotions run high in domestic violence cases, and abusers often get excited about court dates, thinking they'll have a chance to see their victims and talk them into coming back, Holloway said.

Even in that context, Sue's ex-husband went to extremes, she said.

"To do it in front of an entire courthouse, in front of the judge, in front of the bailiffs -- we had an armed deputy right there -- and you're threatening to kill someone? ... That's alarming," Holloway said. "We don't see that a lot."

'At peace'

Sue eventually was granted a divorce and moved out of Safe House and into an apartment of her own -- an unnerving step, as she did not know what her ex-husband might do next or whether he would come after her, she said.

Today, Sue is retired, but she fills her time with church activities and volunteer work, putting her culinary talents to work cooking for women at Safe House once a week.

"I am so glad that I finally had the courage to leave. ... I am at peace and stress-free," Sue said.

It wasn't an easy journey. After her ex-husband's "little stunt at the courthouse," as she put it, he remained in town for two days.

Sue worried he would come after her.

"I kind of like withdrew within myself," she said. "... I still had that fear, because I was with him for so long, and he kind of still had that hold on me."

Holloway said Safe House helps women distinguish between realistic and unrealistic fears and develop safety plans so they can live without constant fear of retaliation.

Sue said she enjoys her peace and quiet, but she never lets down her guard.

She sets up barriers in her house and turns on lights when she leaves. When she comes home, she checks the shower to make sure no one is waiting for her before she locks and chains the door shut and slips a chair under the handle.

"I know I can hear somebody trying to kick in," Sue said. "... I take the necessary precautions, and I try to watch my surroundings ... because he's two hours away."

epriddy@semissourian.com

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