Reality TV wannabe

As I sat in the dark theater watching "The Day After Tomorrow" and seeing the world coming to a catastrophic end, it really got me thinking. What would I be like on "The Real World?"

All these people are depicted as crazy/depressed maniacs who argue over the simplest things. Where would I stand in all this?

"%$@& you, Sam! Why did you eat the leftover lasagna?!" my TV roommate would yell at me.

"Sorry, I was hungry," I'd casually say as I walked away to sit on the couch.

Of course, that would be if I even made it past the audition process.

"Tell us something about yourself, Sam."

"Well, I'm 18 years old and was born in a small town in Missouri. I always laugh at good jokes and I can get a little crazy sometimes! (Corny, nervous laughter) Also, I like to listen to music and I used to work at Target."

Then I'd have to wake them up from the deep slumber they'd fallen into while hearing my uninteresting biography. That's why I'd probably have to lie and tell them I was a transgendered vampire with an unsettling fondness for Ferris wheels before they'd even consider bringing me onto the show.

I would be the most boring person on that show, and the thought of it scares me. Have I really led such an uneventful life? I have no touching stories of lost family members. I never had any traumatic parental problems. My parents are divorced, but so are everybody else's, it seems. I'm just your average middle-class rural kid who tries to enjoy listening to country music. I mean, I live in Oran, so country music is a definite conversation starter, if not a way of living. At school dances we all get in a big circle, sway back and forth, and casually sing some old country classics about Birmingham, getting drunk and other country what-not. I usually don't know all the words, so the few words I do know I scream at the top of my lungs and give an all-knowing country-boy look to the people around me. Pure honky-tonk I am.

Anyway, my point is that maybe I'm not ready to be on reality TV. I'm going to have enough problems dealing with the reality around me once I get to college. Having the decision of what you are going to do for the rest of your life resting on your shoulders is something I'm not used to.

Enough of all this future talk. Maybe some unrealistic reality TV will get my mind off of my soon-to-be-reality-induced life.

Sam DeReign is a 2004 graduate of Oran High School. Contact him at sdereign@semissourian.com.