Read a rambling or two

WARNING: The following column has absolutely no structure whatsoever and would make excellent lining for a hamster cage.

Sorry about my extended absence, folks! Please -- let me explain myself.

You see, I was offered a somewhat copious sum of money to write a series of promotional stories about Cape Girardeau, so I chose to ignore my column and focus on this much more lucrative project.

Now the meaning of "lucrative" is subjective, but to a college student, it means any amount of money that keeps your frozen pizza supply steady for the next few months.

So when I thought of all the cheesy goodness this money could bring, I immediately agreed without considering all of my other time-consuming responsibilities.

It's kind of like when I was the young entrepreneurial child of my neighborhood. I'd sit there by my lemonade stand all afternoon and forget about feeding our poor cat, Yoko Ono.

That furball already had enough problems thanks to my sister's John Lennon phase, but my selfish quest for money was starving him. I think it's safe to say he was pretty much doomed from the start. It should have come as no surprise when he "accidentally" wandered onto a neighborhood dog's territory and met his kitty maker.

Bottom line: Money is evil -- unless you're using it to buy Christmas gifts. This brings me to my next topic: holiday shopping.

Now that I've met my deadline for the magazine, I can focus on more important things, such as keeping my sanity during this holiday season. I've been in the retail industry since my hands could legally control a steering wheel, so you would think I would be used to the madness that occurs around this time of year.

But I'm not; I'm really not. Every year I learn something new about humanity that disgusts me. I've always thought everyone should work in this industry for a month or so, because I honestly think the world would be a better place. Less clutter. Friendlier attitudes. Cleaner restrooms.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Just remember, shoppers, Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, not to elicit hell by fighting over copies of whatever book Oprah happens to like. Although, had there been a Target or Wal-Mart in the near vicinity of Bethlehem, I'm sure the Three Wise Men would have created a little mayhem themselves.

"Caspar, grab the gold ring we saw in the ad for 75 percent off. I'll grab the frankincense and myrrh over in home and garden. Melchior, do whatever it takes to get the second season of Desperate Housewives. GO!"

Through my negative observations, however, I still have a good feeling about this Christmas. Sure, there will be a few bumps in the road, but that's what makes for good stories, right?

All I'm saying is that when those doors open on Black Friday, give peace a chance.

Sam DeReign is wondering if associating the Three Wise Men with Desperate Housewives will offend a majority of this paper's readership. Contact him at sdereign@gmail.com.