ON VACATION WITH DAVID LETTERMAN

I was invited to "the Late show with David Letterman" last week. As prosecutor, I've been called by "Dateline," "Inside Edition," "A Current Affair" and other TV shows.

But this time the invitation was from David Letterman.

Well, sort of.

Actually, the invitation came in the form of tickets for a taping of his show. My wife and I sent off for them. Anyone can. Just send a postcard to: Late show with David Letterman, The Ed Sullivan Theater, 1697 Broadway, New York, NY 10019. Let them know the time frame you want. Write far in advance. You get two tickets per request.

The tickets are free. All you pay for is the hotel room, the plane tickets, the Broadway shows, the deli sandwiches, the cab fares, the boat cruise around Manhattan and the suitcase full of souvenirs. What a deal!

Now that I'm a Letterman Show veteran I can answer all those questions keeping you up at night.

No, the show isn't live. It's taped from 5:35 to 6:35 in the evening and runs like clockwork. Yes, it really is as cold in there as everyone says. No, the theater isn't as big as it looks; it's actually only 10 rows deep and holds just 441 people (counting the seats in the balcony). No, you don't have to guess when to applaud -- a nice man at the side of the stage gestures when to clap if your sense of humor fails you. Yes, Paul Schaffer and the CBS Orchestra give you a free 15-minute concert. No, you don't see much else of Dave than you get from watching TV.

Once I got the tickets I couldn't resist sending Letterman a Top Ten List. I was hoping he would use it on the night we were there. It added to my own sense of suspense as I sat in the audience. Will he use it? Will he humiliate me on national TV?

It seemed likely "The top Ten Crimes for Which a Prosecutor Would Most Like to Nail David Letterman" might appeal to him. From the home office in Cape Girardeau, they were:

10. ELDER ABUSE -- Sending Mom to Winter Olympics without a warm & cuddly manager like Nancy Kerrigan's.

9. D.W.I. -- Displaying Wit Infrequently.

8. UNLAWFUL MERCHANDISING PRACTICES -- Dispensing canned meats without a license.

7. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS -- Senseless violent death of red tree squirrel used for hairpiece.

6. NONSUPPORT -- For those times when there was nothing between Dave and the camera but his Calvins.

5. STEALING BY FALSE PRETENSES -- Accepting money from Oscar people upon promise to be funny.

4. BAIT ADVERTISING -- Calling it Orchestra, giving 'em Paul!

3. CAUSING CATASTROPHE -- Freezing to death an entire studio audience.

2. PANDERING -- Remember that cute panda at the zoo? Inappropriate touching, Dave!

1. GRAVE ROBBERY -- Bringing Zsa Zsa out of retirement!

Well, if you saw last Wednesday's show, featuring Kathie Lee Gifford and David Copperfield as guests, you know Dave didn't use my list. My working hypothesis, which might also have occurred to you, is that it wasn't up to professional comedy standards.

Guess I'd better keep that day job.

Turns out, I may have been better off this way. Letterman was in a mean mood. He cut off Kathie Lee Gifford while she was trying to tell one story and then tried to goad her into saying bad things about Howard Cosell, who had been dead just three days.

I'm probably lucky he didn't notice the red flag I waved at him!

But it sure would have been fun if he had.

Morley Swingle, prosecuting attorney for Cape Girardeau County, recently returned form a vacation in New York.