Money wars: Marriage, and finances, should be a joint effort - here's how to avoid money conflicts at home

Money is one of the things that couples fight about the most. We talked to Cheryl Mothes, financial adviser at Edward Jones in Jackson, and JP Thompson, founding partner of Thompson Financial Advisors in Cape Girardeau, who offered tips on how to live in fiscal harmony.

__No. 1: Is it better to have one bank account or two?__

__Mothes:__ I've worked with many couples who share a bank account, and some couples have found it works better for them to have separate accounts. It's rare that I find two individuals who feel the exact same way about money, saving, investing and giving -- so there needs to be ongoing conversations about those topics. Most importantly, assessing each person's values -- what they find most important -- is key. Expressing those values helps the other person gain understanding and empathy as to why their spouse wants to be more frugal, or less.

__Thompson:__ I believe it should be discussed by the couple first and foremost. Not every method works for every couple. We are all different, so expectation should be set up front, I would say, hopefully before the marriage takes place. My wife and I have a joint checking account, but she maintains her own account (allocated funds) and I maintain mine. We discussed this, and we both feel really great about our strategy. We do not discuss every purchase, but we certainly discuss large purchases ($100 or more) and volume purchases.

__No. 2: On different financial goals -- she wants to put more money into the 401(k), while he wants a new boat.__

Couple reading bills

__Mothes:__ One of the greatest parts about my role is seeing clients evolve in their understanding (sometimes quite rapidly) of the difference between spending hard-earned money on something that goes up in value versus something that immediately goes down in value. I'd also like to mention that for many couples, it's not the "big ticket" items that cause stress -- sometimes it's the small spending every day (eating out, drinks, etc.) or every week (shopping, sports events, etc.) that lead to inability to budget well and invest.

__Thompson:__ The one objective I always seek with working with couples is to see if they are on the same page together after leaving the meeting. I say frequently, 'The one thing I do not want to happen is for a couple to leave my office, one of the spouses look to the other, and express concern about the commitment they have just set.' Saving money should walk a fine line between comfort and discipline. Saving is hard; that's why no one can execute it to the fullest of their abilities.

__No. 3: On savings goals -- how much to save and how to do it?__

__Mothes:__ This sounds like an easy question, but there are many variables. By talking to an adviser as to what the goals are, their time horizon is and cash flow, we can provide illustrations as to what it will take to get there and whether or not they can achieve the goal. We use a five-step process that begins with an assessment of their current financial state and ends with ongoing monitoring of their progress.

__Thompson:__ I personally do not believe couples should need to discuss finances daily, weekly or, in some cases, monthly. If expectations and limitations are set, each spouse should be on the same page. Marriage is far too important to be worried about discussing money all the time. Saving should be a basic but executable goal. There needs to be purpose behind the number, and needs to be budgeted. The general rule of thumb I preach to my clients is if you have 30 years to a desired retirement, then you need to save 20 percent of your income; this is assuming you do not have any assets accumulated. If you have 40 years to retirement, you should save 10 percent. Those numbers should equal 50 based off figuring in inflation (cost of goods and services each year) and rate of return of the monies saved.

__No. 4: If one person in a marriage is the primary earner and the other works inside the home, what kind of problems might it cause and why?__

__Mothes:__ In my 16 years of experience, I rarely have seen this cause problems. Most couples value the work the non-earner provides to the partnership and see their funds as "our" money. In the rare cases where it's a problem, there can be some uncomfortable exchanges and the nonworking spouse feels they have very little input into decisions. I'm thankful it's been rare.

__Thompson:__ The only point I will make about this is marriage is a joint effort and a team. Every feeling, expectation and decision should be first laid out on the table for discussion. This gives guidance to the marriage. Communication is always key, and I personally and professionally believe if communication is the standard, then every couple can focus their efforts on much more important aspects of marriage than their finances.