MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE (OR HOW TO BE RESPECTED BY PEERS)

Over at the Clampett residence, Thanksgiving dinner is a nightmare.

Kids run all over the house while parents shout at them to sit still. There are three styles of flatware represented on the table -- Ma Clampett never replaces a whole set. Folks rush through their turkey dinners at breakneck speed and shout over each other to be heard.

Things are a bit different at the Whittington home.

The children say "please" and "thank you" when they need something. The table setting is beyond reproach, with flatware placed so guests may work toward their plates with each course. Nobody talks about politics, religion, death or surgical procedures.

What makes the difference? The Whittingtons know proper etiquette. They also taught their children good manners.

These are mythical families, of course, but they represent people we all know.

The lack of manners and etiquette in American society have some concerned. Beverly Noffel, a well-known Cape Girardeau hostess, remembered the days when girls and boys were young ladies and gentlemen.

To help encourage the development of manners and to meet young people in her neighborhood, Noffel used to host formal tea parties. Girls wore hats and party dresses.

The little girls in the neighborhood grew up, but Noffel still enjoys entertaining. She said things aren't as formal as they used to be.

"I think we have let some of that lapse," she said. "Life is so hectic, especially in the larger cities. Mothers are so busy running from one place to another, it is difficult for them to get food on the table, never mind teach etiquette."

She suggested parents at least teach their children one simple rule of etiquette: Be courteous to everyone.

Fortunately, students at Southeast Missouri State University have a chance to learn what they may not have picked up at home. Rachel Thomson teaches "Professional Image and Behavior," a course required for fashion merchandising majors but offered to all students.

Thomson was a flight attendant instructor for TWA and worked in retail management before becoming a college teacher. With her hair neatly combed, her clothing pressed and her manner demure, it is easy to see why Thomson was selected to teach college students about etiquette.

She said she has seen people miss out on jobs or promotions because of their lack of manners. A common mistake is toting a soda can from place to place inside the office.

"You don't carry your food with you," Thomson said. "A soda can is not a fashion accessory. And wearing a baseball cap all the time is a problem for college students -- male and female. They don't realize it is a sign of disrespect to leave your hat on while speaking with a superior."

Anyone can have good manners, she said. It simply means being considerate of other people's feelings. Etiquette -- what fork to use, how to introduce your boss to your friend -- has to be learned.

Thomson's class teaches students how to take telephone messages, write business letters, compose simple resumes, tip servers and walk confidently.

For those unable to take the class, Thomson offers a reading list. "Emily Post's Etiquette," 15th edition, "Letitia Baldrige's New Complete Guide to Executive Manners" and "Business Etiquette in Brief" are on the list.

She said people concerned about the lack of manners and etiquette in society today need not worry.

"These sorts of things go in cycles," Thomson said. "People think because things were so nice 25 years ago that it is terrible now. It isn't terrible -- it just needs some work."

Dining Guidelines

Knowing a few mannerly rules of thumb can make the difference between a dinner disaster and a pleasant party. University teacher Rachel Thomson offers these:

1. Sit up straight in the chair reasonably close to the table. Do not put elbows on the table except momentarily between courses.

2. Do not talk with your mouth full or make loud noises while chewing. Keep your mouth closed while chewing. Don't blow on hot foods to cool them.

3. If something is out of reach on the table, ask to have it passed to you.

4. Food should not be stirred or mashed into a heap on the plate.

5. Place butter and jam from the serving dish onto the bread plate, not directly onto the bread. Bread and rolls are broken into manageable pieces with the fingers, not cut with knives.

6. Avoid loud talk and laughter that may disturb others. Avoid controversial or unpleasant subjects such as politics, religion, death or surgical procedures.

7. In unexpected situations, use good common sense.