Loss, separation can be harder during holiday

Holiday celebrations are usually filled with laughter and cheer, but they can be a time of sadness if you're alone, away from home or grieving the loss of a relative.

Many Southeast Missouri families are observing the holiday without a parent, sibling, spouse or child because of military call-ups. Other families are grieving the loss of a relative who died in the past year.

The Christmas season was a topic of conversation at the monthly Grief Support group meeting held last week at St. Francis Medical Center, said Denise Essner, who heads the group.

"We couldn't help but end up talking about how they would manage the holidays," she said.

Depending on whatever the person has died, or is overseas, the feelings of separation are different, she said. But most people in the group realized that they needed to take care of their own needs at this time of year instead of always focusing on other people.

"They're at a time when they need to do what would help them most," she said.

Sometimes that means being flexible about traditions and gatherings. You have to realize that things aren't always going to be the way they once were, Essner said.

New traditions

She suggests adding new traditions, like lighting a candle for the loved one who has died or putting up a Christmas stocking for them and filling it with notes.

"You need to acknowledge the loss," she said.

Maryl Walters of St. Louis has learned there is comfort and assurance to be found in the Scriptures. Walters, a Christian Science practitioner, said she has found that the concept of angels or God's thoughts passing to man have provided her comfort.

"They give me the intuition, inspiration and comfort to know that my loved ones are safe," she said.

Walters will be speaking more on the subject of separation during the holidays in a radio broadcast at 7 a.m. Christmas Day on 1550-AM KAPE. It is sponsored by First Church of Christ, Scientist in Cape Girardeau.

Identify feelings

Reading the Scriptures and a book by Mary Baker Eddy, Walters said has helped her through the years.

People dealing with separation or loss should really try to identify what they're feeling, said the Rev. Dr. Bill Matzat, chaplain at Southeast Missouri Hospital. By identifying those feelings of hurt, anger, sadness or regret, "it diminishes their strength," he said.

Spending time in meditation to share thoughts and feelings with God in prayer and to reflect on and listen to God's comfort and assurance found in the Scriptures and psalms can help people coping with grief, Matzat said.

Walters added, "When you're thinking about God's love and think of the heart of God, we're all embraced in that."

While people dealing with grief or separation tend to isolate themselves, the best experience they can have is to share their story with others who will listen and offer support.

"It lightens the loneliness and the burden and you feel connected," Matzat said. "The holidays are an especially important time to be surrounded by people in worship. You receive God's strength in a mutual way."

While many people tend to think of going home for the holidays, that place doesn't have to have a physical location. "God's love doesn't know anything like latitude or longitude," Walters said.

If we're all embraced in God's love, "that's where home really is, in that great place," she said.

Acknowledging the loss and the good qualities you admired and respected in your loved one are good ways to cope with separation, she said.

ljohnston@semissourian.com

335-6611, extension 126