Loss, seasonal stressors add to grief many feel during Christmastime

Editor's note: This article contains references to suicide, depression, death and loss. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief during the holidays, visit www.griefresourcenetwork.com/crisis-center/hotlines/ to find a comprehensive list of hotlines and other resources. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 (TALK).

By the time Bailey Turnbo was 15, she had lost both of her parents, Ty and Karen, to automobile accidents. For Turnbo, now 23, the holiday season will never be the same.

"Traditions changed; the way I celebrated holidays changed," she said. "Grief is like a wave, and during the holidays, it's a big fat tidal wave. The rest of the year, reminders of loved ones come and go. But around the holidays, the reminders are almost never ending."

Before graduating from Southeast Missouri State University in 2018, Turnbo grew up in Eureka, Missouri, with her parents and elder brother. When her mother died in 2011, she moved to East Prairie, Missouri, to live with relatives while finishing high school.

Though many years have passed without her parents, the holidays bring back those initial feelings of loss.

SubmittedTy and Karen Turnbo pose together for a photo in 1990 inside Ty's Liquor Store in Eureka, Missouri.

"For me, my mom always made Christmas so special," Turnbo said. "Since she has passed, that feeling has been almost impossible to replicate."

What has most helped her get through the grief, Turnbo said, is talking about her parents, and sharing their memories and stories.

Finding a way to honor a lost loved one is an important step in the grieving process, according to Cape Girardeau licensed professional counselor Becky Peters, of Becky Peters Counseling.

Peters said one of the ways a grieving person might honor their loss is by creating new traditions.

"Maybe it's that they liked a certain thing. So you buy it anyway. and give it at the toy drive," Peters said as an example.

For Turnbo, that looks like keeping her mother's memory alive through shared traditions.

"The many years of grieving have taught me to maintain the traditions in memory of my parents," Turnbo said. "To make the special Christmas treats [my mom] made, and listen to the Christmas music she liked."

Grief can manifest in physical ways, according to David Dahlbeck, director of behavioral health and licensed psychologist at Ferguson Medical Group in Sikeston.

"Most commonly, patients can experience tension headaches, back pain, gastrointestinal issues, sleep disturbances such as insomnia, lack of appetite, fatigue and joint pain," Dahlbeck wrote. "In severe cases, depression can even impair your vision."

Seanán Young of Cape Girardeau knows the despair accompanying the holidays better than most. The 37-year-old said he is clinically depressed, and the lights, music and family togetherness of Christmas are wrenching reminders of his own loss.

Young, the area manager for Gaming Grounds in Cape Girardeau, said his mother, Linda, died in 2007, and his father, Willard, died in 2014. After his father passed, Young said he became estranged from his remaining family.

"You'd hope the pain would ease over time, and it kind of does," he said. "It becomes more of a dull pain than a sharp stab."

To honor his parents, Young said he tries to create the "absolute best Christmas" he can for those he does keep close.

"Decorating, hot chocolate, Christmas movies, lots of presents, trying to keep my mom's spirit alive," Young said. "It's the only thing that keeps me from just ignoring the holiday completely."

For 25-year-old Kaeli Thomas of St. Louis and formerly of Cape Girardeau the holidays have always been a difficult time.

"My mom had seasonal depression, and I guess when the main person in your life is constantly sad around the holidays, it rubs off on you," Thomas said.

But last November, Thomas said "things amplified" when her mother, Tamra Gillam died.

Kaeli Thomas, left, and her late mother Tamra Gillam pose for a photo together in this 2010 image.

"I was there to witness it," Thomas said of her mom's death. "The holidays just felt numb after that. This winter has been pretty rough so far."

Thomas said her depression manifests in physical ways more than anything else.

"I can't move. I can't shower or make myself a meal," said Thomas, who was diagnosed with depression at age 19. "I can't communicate effectively or share needs with my loved ones."

For Thomas, negative thoughts sometimes accompany those symptoms.

"I have thoughts that everyone would be better off without me," she said. "Mostly for me, living with depression is the loneliest feeling. Even though I'm surrounded by amazing and supportive people, I feel like I'm completely alone."

Seasonal depression

Along with grief, the holiday season is prime time for seasonal affective disorder (also called seasonal depression), which affects about 5% of adults in the United States and lasts about 40% of the year, according to the American Psychiatric Association.

Symptoms of seasonal depression include fatigue, a sad mood, loss of interest, sleep difficulty or excessive sleeping, weight gain, feelings of hopelessness and thoughts of suicide.

Dahlbeck said symptoms of seasonal affective disorder tend to resemble depression; the main difference, he said, is symptoms of the former tend to occur in the winter months and retreat during the rest of the year.

There are many contributing factors that can cause a person to experience seasonal depression, Dahlbeck said, including reduced sunlight.

"The decrease in sunlight may disrupt your body's internal clock and lead to feelings of depression," he said as an example. "Reduced sunlight can cause a drop in serotonin, and the change in season can disrupt your body's ability to regulate melatonin levels which affect our sleep patterns."

The lack of sunlight during the holidays is not the only culprit for seasonal depression and intensified grief. Around Christmas, Peters said a grieving person is fighting something of an internal battle.

"[They are] trying to figure out how to have two opposing emotions at the same time," Peters said. "They feel deep loss and grief, but at the same time, they want to feel the joyous part."

For Young, that sentiment hits close to home.

"Every song, every happy moment I see other people have reminds me of how I'll never have that again, and it sends me into a spiral of [hopelessness] and despair," he said. "Every doubt, every fear, it's intensified and then blended with loss and regret. It's the worst feeling in the world, and it's constant, and it's uncontrollable."

'Productive' grieving

One way Peters mentioned people can help combat the feelings associated with grief during the holiday season is to create space for "productive" grieving.

A simple, daily activity she recommends for people experiencing grief is setting a timer and then writing a list identifying what they have lost and taking the time to cry and feel anger. Then, Peters said, the person should also record three things for which they are grateful. "When the timer goes off, you put it away," she said.

The idea, Peters said, is to "control what you can control" and move away from grief that can feel ever-present and overwhelming.

While she is experiencing depressive episodes, Thomas said she has found comfort in this type of productivity.

"I make sure to only think about what I'm going to do next," Thomas said. "Instead of making a long list of things I need to do, I take little steps to make it seem less intimidating."

Meditation and self-reflection have also helped, Thomas said, as well as reminding herself "this will pass."

Other ways to manage symptoms of seasonal depression include staying active, eating healthy meals, spending time with friends and family and experiencing as much daylight as possible, according to Dahlbeck. Professional treatments can include early morning light therapy using 30 minutes of exposure to 10,000-lux diffused, white fluorescent light per day, cognitive behavioral therapy and medication, Dahlbeck said.

If symptoms of seasonal depression increase in severity, Peters and Dahlbeck agreed it is crucial to consult a doctor or mental health professional.

"Don't be hesitant to use the support of your family and friends, pastor, doctor or mental health professional to get you through these months," Dahlbeck said.

For Turnbo, a lifetime of grief has taught her the importance of recognizing people's limits.

"It's important to respect people's boundaries, and it's important to set boundaries," Turnbo said. "And it's not always best to continue as if nothing's happened. After you lose someone, people are so afraid to mention them around the holidays. It's okay to say their name and recognize them."

Asked what she wanted people to understand about holiday grief, Thomas spoke on understanding.

"Even if someone does not show it, it's very possible that they could be struggling to stay afloat," Thomas said. "Always have good intentions and do not expect people who are struggling with grief to just get over it. There are good days and bad days, and even unbearable days. Showing kindness to those who are suffering can go a long way with easing some of the pain."

Young said he wants people to know it's OK to feel the grief.

"It's OK to be sad," Young said. "Feelings are natural and the more you try to fight them, the worse it gets. Acknowledge the pain, work with the pain and remind yourself that the world doesn't want you to be sad. There are resources, there are people, there are always ways to help with your grief."

Part 2 will publish Jan. 5 and focus on resources available to combat grief and depression.