LIVING WITH AIDS: FAMILY, FRIENDS FACE DISEASE

Ted Fedler and Travis Clayton met in a Iowa tavern in 1992. Clayton was with a group of friends, but Fedler was alone, seeking solace in a few drinks.

Fedler had returned to his native Iowa to die, having been through bouts with AIDS-related illnesses. He didn't expect to meet new friends, form a group to help people with AIDS or live outside his home state again.

Clayton helped change that. When Clayton's lover died of AIDS in 1993, Fedler helped him through the long periods of depression that followed. Today, Clayton, 29, describes Fedler as his "companion," but adds that English doesn't have a word for their relationship.

It wasn't always so. Clayton said he initially wasn't sure he wanted to care about another person with AIDS.

"It took a lot of thought and a great deal of prayer," he said. "I decided I could befriend this person or walk away, but if I did, the loss would be mine."

The two moved to Cape Girardeau in 1993 at Clayton's urging. Soon after, Fedler started the AIDS Project of Southeast Missouri, an organization that helps PWAs, people with AIDS, and their families and educates communities about the disease. Clayton was behind his friend every step.

Their friendship is different from many others because Clayton knows he will likely outlive Fedler. He is one of the thousands of friends, relatives or lovers of PWAs who must share the heartache HIV brings.

"I don't obsess about it," Clayton said. "If anything, it teaches you to appreciate what you have while you have it."

While Clayton was familiar with HIV's affect on its victims and how the virus could be spread, Fedler's family didn't know much at all. When Fedler first told his sister, Connie Ferrell, 50, about his illness, she couldn't believe someone she knew had been infected.

"Then I thought about how the folks would take it and what the rest of the family would think," she said. "We weren't educated. We hadn't been exposed to any of that."

One night, the rural Iowan family of 17 sat down with Fedler and talked about AIDS. Ferrell said it was the first time she could remember them communicating as adults.

Now, most of her brothers and sisters have accepted Fedler's illness and appreciate all the good work he has accomplished.

Fedler's parents, Ed and Delores Fedler, recently visited Cape Girardeau with Ferrell. The family took care of some difficult matters, including funeral arrangements. It wasn't easy.

"When people are in their 80s, they realize there isn't much time left and they need to look at making some arrangements," Delores Fedler said. "But when it's someone as young as Ted, and it's one of your own, it's a lot harder. You have to learn to handle it."

Her life is different now. AIDS used to be other people's problem. Now Delores Fedler reads every newspaper article with the word AIDS in it. She seeks support in her area and reminds herself that her son's illness doesn't mean the end of the world.

She has advice for parents of children with AIDS.

"Don't push your child away," she said. "Stay by them, because they need you. Learn to cope with it.

"And don't be afraid to talk with somebody about it. Ask for help."