Jacque Waller's diary claims Clay threatened her, the children

She didn't deserve to live. A divorce would be a death sentence. And if he couldn't get to her, he would kill the children just to cause her pain.

In Jacque Waller's diary that became public last week, she describes an anguished existence that she claims came at the hands of her estranged husband in the years before her June 1 disappearance.

The diary was seized by law enforcement from Jacque's work computer and paints a picture of a woman trying to escape a loveless marriage, but fearful to leave because of a constant barrage of death threats.

And every line of the three released pages is about one person: Clay Waller, the man a federal prosecutor called a murderer who had buried his wife.

"Clay told me that I didn't deserve to live and he wishes he had a gun so he could blow my head off that day," Jacque wrote on March 18, 2010. "He told me that a divorce would be my death sentence."

Later, Jacque wrote that Clay told her if they divorced, he would kill their children by taking them on a fishing trip and drowning them just "so he could see my face."

"My jaw was on the floor after I read it," said Jacque's sister, Cheryl Brenneke. "It's like, he's even more evil than I thought he was, and that's saying something."

Clay and Jacque Waller had seen a divorce lawyer on the day she vanished. She also had started seeing someone else and about to start a new life without Clay, court documents and family members have confirmed.

Jacque claims physical abuse, writing in a July 2010 entry that Clay hit her head against the wall hard enough to knock pictures from their hooks. Later in the entry, she said Clay got a gun from his truck and dragged her by the hair into the house. She says he kicked in doors and constantly told her he wanted to kill her.

Some claims border on bizarre -- she says Clay told her he robbed a bank and had killed a man who knew he was being molested as a child and did nothing about it. She also worried about Clay touching their son inappropriately.

Despite all of that, in the last few entries Jacque said she cared for the man that she was married to for 17 years, even though she was no longer in love with him in a romantic way.

"I care about him deeply and want only good things for him," Jacque wrote. "I want him to be a good person and a good father. I feel like I am responsible for him and I have the need to take care of him."

Jacque also expressed sympathy for Clay and to having the feeling that she was abandoning him. Clay could also be "funny, is ambitious and takes on new challenges."

Jacque's friends, co-workers and family members say that the diary shows the conflicted nature of her relationship with her husband.

"She wanted to try and take care of him and protect him. Odd, isn't it?" said family friend Laura Long-Helbig. "I'd heard some of it, but reading it from her own writing, it's no longer hearsay. This is no longer abstract. It really happened."

Donna McMillan worked with Jacque at Blue Cross Blue Shield in Cape Girardeau for more than a decade. At work, McMillan said, Jacque was "bubbly and effervescent." Jacque never offered a hint about a tormented home life.

"She did a really good job of hiding the fact that there was so much turmoil in her life," McMillan said. "Reading through her journal, I was devastated that her life was in such turmoil."

McMillan's emotions ran the gamut as she read Jacque's diary -- anger, regret and even grateful for her own life, she said.

"But it really just made me sad that her life was like that," McMillan said.

Not everyone, however, saw the diary in the same way. One of Clay Waller's lawyers was dismissive and suggested it was anything but credible.

"Robbing a bank? Inappropriate touching of the son? Everything's in there but the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus," Scott Reynolds said. "As far as the allegations about threats, we are ready to address that issue. But I'm not going to get into any specifics."

He also noted that there were no reports of domestic violence to police during the Waller marriage and Jacque never asked for an order of protection.

"I am unaware of any evidence that there was any domestic violence by Clay against Jacque," Reynolds said. "In fact, the evidence will show there is no history of domestic violence."

Reynolds has been representing Waller on the state charges of stealing and harassment that has kept him incarcerated since July 29. But the diary became public as part of an affidavit last week after Clay Waller was indicted in U.S. District Court for making an Internet threat against Brenneke.

Clay Waller will be back in court Monday for the continuation of a detention hearing, in which federal prosecutor Larry Ferrell is asking to depose Clay Waller's father. Ferrell said Clay confessed to his father to killing Jacque and later burying her in a hole.

Reynolds wouldn't comment specifically on that matter either, Saturday, except to say that he isn't losing sleep over it.

"The more I learn about it, the less credible it becomes," Reynolds said. "I don't consider that a true confession."

Regardless of what people are saying about Jacque's diary or her marriage to Clay Waller, Cheryl Brenneke said that her sister was truly happy in the months before her disappearance.

"She didn't have any hate in her," said Brenneke, who has temporary custody of the Waller children. "Even after all the threats, Jacque would say, 'He's just sad. He's losing his family.'"

smoyers@semissourian.com

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