HOW TO WIN HER HEART: VALENTINE'S DO'S AND DON'TS

Most men who admit to being unromantic do not understand how imperiled their relationships are, says Michael Webb, a North Carolina writer bent on turning Rambos into Romeos.

"For women it's just a fundamental need," Webb says. "If they do not get romance they cannot love back."

Women want to be told frequently that they are loved, Webb says, and they want to be shown often that they are special. That's why men's approach to Valentine's Day is important to them.

"Women need to get the feeling you are celebrating the day or the relationship," Webb says.

Where men go wrong on Valentine's Day is when they do "what a million other schmucks are doing," Webb said.

In his view, the worst gifts are the traditional dozen roses and especially the less traditional but very popular -- among men -- gift of lingerie.

"You are giving them a gift they can wear to turn you on," Webb says. "You don't have selfless motives."

Rather than making it easier for men to be romantic, the commercialization of the day confuses men, Webb says. "Companies are spending hundreds of millions of dollars telling men they have to do these things to be romantic.

"On the other hand you have women whispering in your ear, No guys, that's not what we want."

Maybe that's one reason a survey by the Society of American Florists found that only 19 percent of men ranked themselves a 7 or higher on a romantic scale of 10. Interestingly, 19 percent of women surveyed gave their men a romantic rating of 7 or higher, meaning women know who the romantic men are.

Traditional gifts such as flowers and cards are all right as long as they're personalized, Webb says. "Maybe she really adores tulips. Or have the florist recreate her wedding bouquet."

For Webb, the difference between women's and men's attitudes toward romance is hard wired. If a woman wants that need to be met, she'd better let her man know, he says.

"It needs to be communicated what a woman's need is. Because men don't have that need they think it's just a wish or folly or a fairy tale."

Webb got started in the romance business at the urging of women who were envious of the treatment he gave his wife, Athena. He'd fax her a photocopy of his hand with a note: "just wanted to hold your hand. His doodled pictures of their memorable events together -- first date, first kiss -- were bound into a coloring book he gave her with a box of crayons.

Men who are still trying to woo a woman are more apt to find out what the woman wants for Valentine's Day, Webb says. Unfortunately, he adds, once the goal is attained it's hard for goal-oriented men to stay focused. And therein is a source of unhappiness for women, he says.

"They feel betrayed. After the honeymoon's over he's a changed man." Webb hopes his advice will convince a few men to change back, if only for their own good.

Thirty percent of the subscriptions to his bimonthly newsletter, "The RoMANtic: Hundreds of Fun & Creative Tips to Enrich Your Relationship," are gifts, most from wives to unromantic husbands. Some of these romance-starved women are giving their husbands one last chance to follow Webb's advice.

"A lot of men say, I won't do that," he says. "A lot of women say, We're getting divorced."

And what do men want for Valentine's Day? "They want to get validation for being men," he says. "They want respect and honor, for women to say, I am so happy you're big and strong, that you have a good job, that you make me feel secure and safe...

"They want to be appreciated for being men. It's OK to be a man."

One way women can show men this is by preparing a favorite meal or dessert. "Or if women want to buy lingerie for themselves and give it to the guy. For many guys that's special," Webb says.

Actually, he thinks women attach too much importance to Valentine's Day. "Men are not attaching that importance," he says.

"If a gift is given out of sincerity, women need to be appreciative of the gift, to truly appreciate the gift even if it's not the right thing. At least he tried."

Webb's newsletter is $15 a year. He can be reached at (800) 4-ROMANTIC.