HOLIDAY STRESS COMES IN A PRETTY BIG PACKAGE

Four days 'til Christmas. The handwriting on the wall (in red and green, peppermint-scented ink) says the time to get everything bought, wrapped, mailed, baked or crafted is now.

That's NOW, as in last week.

Depending on how you look at it, the impending holiday (and all the stress that goes along with it) has two meanings: Either you only have four days to get everything done, or in only five days, you can have a complete, blissful collapse and no one will care.

But it doesn't have to be like that.

For a time that's supposed to be so joyful, the holidays create an incredible amount of stress, said Claire Lafoon, a counselor at Community Counseling Center in Cape Girardeau.

"One problem is just the fact that obviously, there's a lot to do," she said. "And related to that, people sometimes create some of that stress because of their expectations to do it all themselves and to do it perfectly."

Sondra Gockel of Cape Girardeau says she "keeps a running list" of all her Christmas errands, from buying and wrapping gifts to making cookies or candies and mailing cards.

"When I get that list whittled down, I make a new list with even more stuff on it that I forget to put on my first list," Gockel said. "Either that or I lose my original list."

Perfection is a tall order, Lafoon said, especially when your idea of the perfect Christmas and your in-laws' version clash.

Gockel and others who work in retail get a double-whammy during the holidays as they try to keep up with customers' shopping and complete their own holiday schedules.

"It just seems like it's more frantic than usual this year," Gockel said. "I say that every year, though, so I could be wrong."

And Gockel has the same problem many of us have.

"I have trouble saying no, 'cause I don't want to miss out on anything," she said. "It's hard to make time for everybody and everything."

Learning to say no takes a lot of practice, said Debbie Leoni, wellness coordinator at Southeast Missouri Hospital.

"A lot of it goes with why we say yes," she said, and the reason is because we want to be liked.

But agreeing to several holiday chores adds to the individual's stress load and denies someone else the opportunity to help out, Leoni said.

"It doesn't help anybody," she said. "All it does is overburden everybody."

You can't always eliminate the source of stress -- during the holidays or any other time of year -- but you can control how you respond to that stress, Leoni said.

The incident that provokes the blow-up -- dinner not being ready, finding out your third-grader needs a costume tonight for the pageant tomorrow, going to the mall AGAIN -- is rarely the root cause of the anger, Leoni said. It's just the last straw.

Throwing things or taking a bubble bath or going for a long run won't fix stress -- but they will help you calm down enough to think rationally about what caused the explosion, Leoni said.

The key is to find what the source of the problem really is -- usually a lack of communication between spouses or family members -- and to deal with it.

Dealing with stress usually means finding new ways to respond to it, Leoni said, and that means taking responsibility for your own reactions to stress.

"No one makes you angry," she said. "You choose to get angry. People spend so much time in blame. Most of the time, the person you're blaming is totally oblivious to what's happening with you. They've moved on."

Do the holidays make you want to ask Santa for antacid and aspirin?

Experts offer the following advice for making the holidays (and the rest of the year) happier.

-- Be realistic. You can't do everything and do it perfectly. And if you don't get along with Cousin Ed the rest of the year, odds are Christmas dinner won't be any different. Christmas might be perfect in a magazine, but you don't live in a magazine.

-- Learn to say no. Let somebody else organize the bake sale, plan the class party, make the costumes for the Sunday School Christmas pageant. You'll be happier and so will everyone who lives, works and comes into contact with you.

-- Don't confuse your catharsis -- the bubble bath, long run or temper fit that clears your head long enough for the next crisis to penetrate -- for resolving the source of the explosion.

-- Identify the source of your stress and deal with it.

-- Remember to have fun! Yes, you do have 30 presents left to buy and wrap, but don't forget Christmas is supposed to be joyful. Sing carols with the kids, go ice skating, build a snowman, look at Christmas lights, go to church.

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

Mary Gosche, a human development specialist with the University of Missouri Extension, offers her version of the 12 days of Christmas:

-- Day 1 Talk with my family and decide together how to spend the holiday season.

-- Day 2 Pledge to spend more time on human and spiritual matters and less on "tasks to be done."

-- Day 3 Discard old traditions that are no longer meaningful and create new ones that fit my family and our needs and personalities.

-- Day 4 Reduce the level of holiday buying and give to the needy.

-- Day 5 Treat myself with respect and get plenty of rest.

-- Day 6 Enjoy the process of preparing for the holiday, rather than fretting over deadlines.

-- Day 7 Pledge strong support to a friend or a family member in need.

-- Day 8 Stop competing with others.

-- Day 9 Allow myself time to enjoy the season, rather than just focus on one or two special days.

-- Day 10 Ignore attitudes and behaviors that you might find objectionable.

-- Day 11 Remember that there are no "perfect" families, where meals are all wonderful, children are all well-behaved and everyone gets along.

-- Day 12 Find the thoughtfulness in each gift, regardless of how bizarre it may seem.