HELPING KIDS COPE

When Nicki Kraust's husband died 1 1/2 years ago, she not only had to deal with her own feelings of grief but also try to help with those of her children.

When Kraust would try to talk to her children about their father's death, she'd usually end up crying. "I was upset myself. And when they would talk, it would upset me," she said. That made the children feel even sadder.

So Kraust did what many professionals recommend. She went to a widow and widowers support group for herself and took her son and daughter, now ages 13 and 10, respectively, to COOL (Children Overcoming Outstanding Loss) Company, a grief support group for children sponsored by Southeast Hospice.

Adults need to understand their own feelings about death and learn to talk about those feelings before they can help children, said Chaplain Bonnie McCulley, manager of pastoral care at St. Francis Medical Center and a licensed professional counselor.

Children need to have the opportunity to express their feelings, said Lynn Boren, a facilitator for COOL Company and now organizing COOL Camp, which will be held Sept. 11 at Deerfield Lodge.

COOL Camp and grief support groups allow such an opportunity, offering children help in expressing their feelings and aid in coping with the death of a loved one, Boren said.

"Children are often overlooked in the aftermath of a death," Boren said. The adults in their lives are usually also distraught over the death and may not have the time or energy to put into helping the child, she said.

People say children get over grief more quickly than adults, and in a sense that's true, McCulley said. But they still have to deal with the feelings that come when a loved one dies.

These feelings include sadness and loneliness and also anger, resentment, regret and guilt. Such emotions are normal but can still be confusing to a child, experts say.

It helps if adults are open and honest about the death, said Debra Unterreiner, a licensed professional counselor with Ken Callis and Associates.

But do this in terms the child can understand, said Unterreiner who helps with Rainbows, a program for children in kindergarten through eighth grade that helps them deal with loss that comes from death, separation or divorce. The program now operates at St. Marys and St. Vincent's Catholic schools in Cape Girardeau and Jackson's Immaculate Conception schools and Jackson Public Schools.

"You need to tell the truth, but be careful what you say," McCulley said. "Children tend to take things literally.

"If you say God took Daddy to heaven, the child may be afraid that God will take him, too, or will take Mom," McCulley said.

She suggests explaining death as the heart stopping or that the person had an illness that medicine couldn't cure.

"Then if the child ask where people go after death, you can talk about your beliefs," McCulley said.

Some adults refuse to talk about death or a deceased loved one in an effort to protect children. But Unterreiner said children want to share memories, talk about what happened, want to share feelings.

"It's important to remember the person who died, to talk about them and let children tell stories about them," Unterreiner said.

"It's important to let them express themselves so they can work through their feelings," McCulley said.

"Kids desperately need someone to talk to. They want assurances. They want to know someone is there for them, that they are not alone, that their feelings are important," Boren said.

This is where support groups can be invaluable to the five in 100 children the National Association of Elementary School Principals estimates will lose one or both parents to death by the time they reach 18.

At the COOL Company support group, Kraust's children found others who had also lost loves ones.

Kraust said her daughter appreciated being able to talk to someone who was not a family member but who did know what she was going through.

In support groups, children find they are not the only ones in the world going through a death.

"Kids don't want to be different, to stand out," Kraust said. "When they know someone else is having the same feelings they are, it helps them know they aren't different."

Support groups also can help children understanding the various feelings that can accompany a death. These include anger, sadness, guilt. "We try to teach them that whatever their feelings are, it's OK," Boren said.

What programs like COOL Camp and Rainbows offer children is help in finding words to use to get their feelings out, Unterreiner said.

Support groups like COOL Camp also try to educate parents on helping children work through their grief.

To get through the grieving process, children need support, encouragement and communication, McCulley said. They also need to be allowed to grieve in their own way, experts say.

A common mistake adults make is to try to force a child to grieve or, the opposite, denying the child his or her grief, Boren said.

As with adults, the way children handle grief is individual to the child and the situation.

"You can't tell someone when to start or stop grieving," Boren said. "It's something you do internally.

"Children, because they don't have the maturity level of an adult, will often go into denial about a death or they may act like nothing has happened," Unterreiner said.

This is not the time for adults to force grief on a child, Unterreiner said.

"They can't absorb it, so they put it in the back of their mind until they get strong enough to handle it," Unterreiner said. "It's part of a child's protective system."

Another mistake parents make is not allowing themselves to feel grief. "If adults are afraid, if they won't express their feelings, then their children won't express their feelings and will be afraid, too," McCulley said.

If Mom tries to hide her tears over Dad's death, McCulley said, her children will think they must hide their tears, too.

But crying and sadness over a death is not bad, Boren said. It's normal.

Don't be afraid or ashamed to cry, McCulley said. "I say it's being strong in tears. Boys and men, especially, need to know crying is a sign of how much you loved the person who died."

"Grief and dealing with loss is a journey. It's different for everybody. It's not predictable and it's not smooth," Unterreiner said. "The child may go back and forth, in and out of being able to cope. It's important for parents to realize there is no timeline. One child may be handling things well at three months and for another it may take a year."

"You don't fix grief, you go through it," McCulley said.

DEALING WITH DEATH

According to a 1976 study, 3.5 million children in the U.S. under the age of 19 lost one or both parents to death.

By the time children reach 18, five children out of 100 will have had a parent die.

Far more students will have a grandparent, stibling, relative or close friend die.