FAMILIES LEARN LOVE STEP AT A TIME

Members of stepfamilies face challenges not unlike that of a complex jigsaw puzzle. Each member has to work to see how the pieces will fit.

But if there is to be success, the human parts of the puzzle cannot be rigid, they must be malleable, able to adapt, many involved in the pursuit say. And the rewards of putting the new family puzzle together far outweigh fleeting happiness found at achieving lesser goals.

"Everything important and worthwhile takes effort," said Steve Brown of Cape Girardeau, the father of two teen-agers and the stepfather of a 5-year-old.

Brown and his wife, Betty, who were married in April, refer to their family as a blended family. Steve Brown's children, Carly Brown, 14, and Lucas Brown, 15, live with their father and mother on a rotating basis in a joint-custody arrangement. Betty Brown's young son, Steven Messmer, lives with her and Steve.

The Browns' prefer the word "blended" because there's something about that "step" label that conjures negative images that may even be rooted in fairy tales, Betty Brown explained.

Besides being more descriptive, the term "blended," she said, "makes for a more positive outlook."

And positive is the operative word among blended families looking to make complicated relationships work.

Information compiled by the Stepfamily Association of America shows the task is not easy. According to the association, it can take up to seven years for a stepfamily to stabilize, and yet 44 percent of stepfamily couples divorce within the first four years of marriage.

The association calls the stepfamily the fastest growing family lifestyle in the United States.

For Ken and Karen Kiefer, building a healthy, happy stepfamily began and continues with focus on a strong couple relationship. The requirements for success, they say, differ little from the work needed to make any family thrive.

"The stronger we become as a couple, the easier everything else is," Ken Kiefer said. He defines the meshing of the lifestyles of the new couple as the primary adjustment that must be made.

"I have a firm belief that if the couple can get and keep their act together, then the family is going to get and keep its act together," he said.

Karen Kiefer's two sons, Andy Tiehes and Sam Tiehes, live with their mom and stepfather in the Kiefer home near Fruitland. Ken Kiefer's 18-year-old daughter, Aubrey, and 20-year-old son, David, do not reside with him and his wife, Karen. The Kiefers recently celebrated their one-year wedding anniversary.

"If the parents are happy, usually the kids are too," Karen Kiefer said. But happiness can't be forced, the Kiefers and Browns agree, and it is sometimes found when least expected.

Ruth Schulte of Cape Girardeau smiles when she tells the story of the first time one of her two stepsons warmly observed that a particular trait must have been inherited from her.

Satisfaction, she said, is found as the relationships evolve.

When stepfamily members show respect and communicate, that reaching out is by choice, not rooted in biological ties, Schulte explained. Because purposeful decision is involved, the family sharing can be all the sweeter.

But new stepfamilies shouldn't expect all smiles at first.

"I went into it with blinders on," Betty Brown said candidly. "I just felt like love would make everything all right. I expected everything to be picture perfect."

She now describes those expectations as unrealistic under any circumstances. "Life, even in a biological family, is not all roses," she said.

While Karen Kiefer remembers she and Ken talked extensively prior to their marriage about the difficulties the family would encounter, that tendency to want perfection is innate.

"You go into it with this dream of how everything will be just perfect, that everyone will love each other automatically, but you've got to work for that," she said.

Communication is paramount.

"You have to really listen to everybody and respect their feelings; you can't always make everybody happy," Karen Kiefer said. "But you're scared to death to make somebody unhappy."

Stepparents, in particular, soon realize that trust, like love, takes time to grow. Children, like adults, require time to develop relationships with the new family members.

It's only natural that time, that natural healer, be involved. After all, Steve Brown observed, when it comes to stepfamilies, "everyone comes scarred."

"When you think of the stepfamily, you have to keep in mind that all of us went through some kind of loss," Betty Brown observed. Dreams are not lost without pain.

Patience, Steve Brown said, is required in ample amounts. It's important to have the "patience to let things evolve," he said, rather than attempt to control, push or force relationships. "It helps sometimes to try and put yourself in each person's shoes."

The process, he said, is "give and take," and often there are no right nor wrong answers. "You try to keep the old traditions and add new traditions," Steve Brown said.

Consistency, too, is critical, Steve Brown said. "Children can adapt to most anything if they just know what it is to adapt to," he said.

Often the belief in the value of family is the motivation that helps adults step past the fears of entering another marriage.

"Showing the kids how important family is to us is what is going to help them grow into adults that can have working, healthy relationships," Betty Brown said.