EVEN GOOD PARENTS CAN RAISE BAD CHILDREN; EXPERTS OFFER WARNING SIGNS

As area students head back to school, parents might worry about the incidents of school violence that happened last year, such as the shootings at Columbine High School in Colorado.

And while the first worry is probably "I hope such violence isn't aimed at my child," the next might be, "I hope my child would never commit such violent acts."

Yet, many of the youths who cause violence are not parented by monsters but by caring parents trying their best to raise good children.

The reality is those who commit crimes as juveniles come from families of all shapes, sizes, economic and professional levels, said Randy Rhodes, juvenile officer for the 32nd Judicial Circuit.

Even with good parents, things can happen to the family that can affect the children, said Danny Johnson, a licensed professional counselor with New Vision, a not-for-profit agency that provides counseling and in-home services for families having problems.

Such things as divorce, death, serious illness or accident can all be traumatic for children, Johnson said. Parents need to help children work through such things and deal with the issues raised.

There have also been changes in society's values that can affect families, said Jeff Johnston, a psychotherapist with Associated Counseling.

"It used to be that people were taught there was right and wrong," Johnston said. "Now more things are relative than absolute. That can be confusing for kids."

Factors that cause children to rebel against their family's values, turn to crime or cause problems are complicated and varied, the experts say, but there are signs parents can watch for to alert them to trouble brewing.

Many of these signs have to do with change, Johnston said. This would include recent changes in personality, school performance, peer group, interests, sleeping and eating habits.

"These are all signs a teen is crying out for help," said Mary Gosche, human development specialist with University Outreach and Extension.

There are other signs of problems:

-- Depression. "This isn't just the mood swings that most teens go through," Gosche said. A common sign of depression is withdrawal from friends and school activities that lasts over a period of weeks.

-- Cruelty to animals. This one is an important indicator, said Claire Lafoon, coordinator of education and training at Community Counseling Center.

"Kids who become violent don't empathize with others," Lafoon said. "One of the early ways this shows up is cruelty to animals. When these kids get a little older, they don't feel empathy for other people or the pain or problems they may be causing others."

-- Alcohol or drug use. Even if parents don't see teen-agers actually consuming drugs or alcohol, they might see such signs as lying, outbursts of anger, secretiveness and an increase in accidents, Gosche said.

Parents should worry if children stop communicating with parents and other siblings, don't want parents in their room and don't want parents to know who their friends are, said Natalie Ricks, administrative assistant at the Cape Girardeau Alternative Education Center and a teacher for seven years.

It's not usually just one of these signs but several of them that are the tip-off, Gosche said.

The ideal situation when a parent sees such signs is to ask the child what's wrong and the child talks about the problems, Johnson said. Then together, parent and child can work to solve the problems or seek help.

Unfortunately, by this point, it might be time to seek professional help.

"Parents need to realize that seeking out professional help is not a sign of weakness but of strength," Gosche said. "It shows you see a problem in the family unit and are seeking ways to correct it."

In seeking help, she suggests asking the family doctor, a school counselor or friends and relatives.

"If you were looking for help with a broken bone, you wouldn't hesitate to ask for recommendations from friends and family," Gosche said. "Why would you feel differently about seeking help for your teen?"

Of course, the best solution for parents is prevention, practicing parenting techniques that will head off problems before they become serious.

Johnson said the best preventive action parents can take with their children is to listen to them.

Being able to talk to someone, a parent, friend, teacher, can make a big difference, Johnson said.

He said parents should keep tabs on what their children are doing and who their friends are and stay involved with their activities.

Rhodes said one thing parents can do is keep the door open to their children, literally.

"I've done walk-throughs of homes in preparing probation reports and asked to see his (the juvenile's) room, and the parents will say they haven't been in the room in years," Rhodes said.

Rhodes has found drugs and weapons in such rooms, as well as other signals that could tip off the parent that a child was having problems.

He said parents are responsible for their children and what goes on under their roof.

"You'd better know what's in there," he warned parents.

"Most kids have a good relationship with their parents," Johnson said. "That's why most kids don't get in trouble. A lot of times, it's too late when parents realize they don't have a good relationship with their kids."

Johnston agrees that open and healthy communication is important in families.

"Let kids know they can express their feelings without being judged or humiliated," he said.

It's also important for parents to establish structure and consistency.

Johnston said, "No one's perfect and you don't have to be rigid, but you need to be consistent in your expectations."

Good parents can't be afraid to be a parent, Ricks said.

"Many parents are afraid their children won't like them if they discipline them, set curfews or expect them to be respectful," Ricks said. "They feel they are violating their children's rights when they enforce standards."

However, if you let teens do what they want instead of what you know is right, those teens will get in trouble, she said.

It's best to start when children are young, Ricks said, by setting clear and simple rules and consistently applied penalties for breaking those rules.

There also should be rewards for good behavior. Rewards don't have to be material objects, Ricks said. They can be as simple as telling children they have done a good job or that the parent is proud of them.

"This shouldn't just be general praise, but look for specific things the child has done well," Johnston said.

For instance: You put forth a good effort in studying for that test and I'm proud of you for that.

"Parents need to make an effort to instill values, establish the concept of right and wrong, and that a person's behavior can affect other people," Johnston said.

Unconditional love is important, Johnston said. Parents should let children know that it is possible to be angry with someone without changing the fact that you love them.

"These are not things you teach through lectures," Johnston said. "These are things you teach over time as you are raising your children."

Establishing values takes spending time with your children, Johnston said, and that's something missing from many families.

"People's lives are so fast-paced today, they may not take time to spend with their children," he said.

Johnston said something as simple as going to the park or eating meals together, reading together or setting aside a certain time each day to talk can help build strong relationships within the family.

"A child must feel loved," Ricks said. "Parents should show lots of love, all the time."