CONFERENCE HELPS PARENTS `BRIDGE GAPS'

Perhaps the best advice that psychologist Linda Sonna would give to parents frustrated with the task of parenting is to "lighten up."

Sonna, author of "The Homework Solution: Getting Kids to Do Their Homework" and "The Homework Survival Kit," was one of two keynote speakers at a parenting conference held Saturday on the campus of Southeast Missouri State University.

She said that too often today's working parents are forced to place their children in day care, which limits the amount of time they spend together. That, in turn, engenders intense feelings of guilt.

"You don't have to have kids in day care; you don't have to go through a divorce to be a guilty parent," Sonna told an audience of about 300. "But the problem is, it's hard for parents who feel they're somehow depriving their children, to set limits."

She said many psychologists now recognize the importance of "good enough parents" who love their children and care for them, as opposed to perfect parents.

"There is no longer an abstract model that parents must fit or must fulfill to be a good parent. It's really important to think about the needs of the individual child and never, never, never be afraid of blowing it," Sonna said.

The theme of the parenting conference, which was presented by the Cape Girardeau and Jackson school districts, was "bridging the gap." Sonna said parents need to learn to bridge the glaring generational gap that often exists between them and their children.

"I'm from the generation that was coming up in the `60s, where the battle lines in our home were formed over pressing issues of national importance such as the length of my brother's hair and getting my ears pierced, because my mother knew only barbarians did that," she said. "We knew that as adults we would never have these types of silly arguments over insignificant things.

"But we never dreamed our kids would have purple hair."

Sonna said child psychologists often see a side of a child's personality that's never revealed to his parents. Often, a seemingly rebellious adolescent possesses "feelings and emotions that all make perfect sense," she said.

The key is "bridging the gap" to enable parents to differentiate between legitimate problems and more insignificant generational differences.

Sonna said it's important for parents to make the effort to understand and communicate with their children.

"One of the things I've really been surprised with is the number of three year olds who are suicidal, and four year olds who have planned it out," she said. "Many people ask, `How can a four year old have problems that serious?'

"But kids have emotions and problems just like adults do, and if they're constantly being shamed and made to feel bad about themselves, they suffer the same way adults do."

Often parents recognize emotional and behavioral problems in their children, but have difficulty dealing with them, because they're unable to spend sufficient time with them.

Sonna said little research has been publicized on the effect day care has on children, because it's not "politically correct" to question day care. But she said research indicates special challenges among children reared in day care.

"Many kids in day care have better social skills, however they tend to bond less readily with adults," she said. "We've begun seeing lots of kids from the day-care generation firmly bonded with their peer group, and the bond with the parents is not there."

As children withdraw from parents and cling to peers, parents' feelings of guilt over the lack of time they spend with their kids are reinforced, Sonna said. The result can be a guilt-ridden parent unwilling to correct an unruly child.

When a parent finally does lose patience, discipline often is heavy-handed and irrational which later ends in more guilt.

But it's important for parents to relax, realize when they make a mistake, and "get over it," Sonna said.

"If they can escape the guilt trap, they can escape 90 percent of the problems, or even 100 percent," she added. "If you fly off the handle and yell at your kids and level them in one fell swoop, that's not a very nice thing.

"But what you can do is apologize later. Wouldn't you do that with a friend?"

And kids don't need to be sheltered from conflict at home: "Kids that grow up in conflict-free homes are not necessarily going to be prepared for marriage," Sonna quipped.

She suggested that parents treat their children as they treat the neighbor kids. "You see how easy it is with a neighbor kids when there isn't all the guilt there."

To "bridge the gap" between school and home, Sonna encouraged parents to "sit down and talk" with the teacher and child and devise solutions to problems at school.

"Most teachers are a whole lot more flexible than parents ever give them credit for," she said. "Most of the time teachers would love to hear from the parents and get some helpful suggestions."

Sonna also discussed ways to bridge racial gaps, which she said must be done "one person at a time."

"We can talk forever about issues, we can legislate forever, but you can reach out to one person and make a difference," she said.

The "Parenting Conference" also included a keynote address by H. Stephen Glenn, an internationally acclaimed family psychologist, and seminars on various parenting issues.

One of the organizers of the event, co-chairman Becky Kies, said she hopes to make the conference an annual affair.

She said the title "bridging the gap" was intended to include gaps between the two school districts that presented the conference, and those gaps between parents, teachers and children.

Kies said about 400 people participated in the one-day, free conference.

"I've had extremely positive reactions," she said. "No one teaches anyone how to be a good parent, and I think it's something people can really benefit from."

Kies said organizers already are planning for next year's event, which likely will be even larger.