BRINGING UP BABY: MORE MOMS AND DADS STAY HOME WITH KIDS

First there was the career-minded woman of the 1970s, anxious to waive motherhood and emancipate herself in a male-dominated work place.

The movement gave way during the 1980s to the "supermom" syndrome, where still at work women tried to balance their careers with the rigors of motherhood and maintaining a household.

Now many women have come full circle and choose to leave the work place to stay at home with their children.

And it's not just women. In families where husband and wife work and the decision is made that one parent should say home, usually the primary breadwinner mom or dad will remain at work.

Karen DeBord, a state specialist in human development for the University of Missouri Extension, said families today are so diverse that it's impossible to say what's typical anymore.

"You can't really talk about breaking any norm, because there's not a norm anymore," DeBord said. "Each family deals with the issue individually and makes that decision for various reasons. It may be for economic reasons, it may be for family stability."

For women, the changing role from careerist to working mother to stay at home mom is like a pendulum, she said.

"Always it will go far to the right or left then always swing back to middle," DeBord said. "In the past, many women said that in order to be emancipated, you have to go to the work place.

"Then there was the supermom and superwoman syndrome, where women were not only working all day, but coming home at night to take care of the kids and the home.

"I think now we're in a phase where women are trying to balance that a little more."

For Karen Fels, 32, of Cape Girardeau there was little balancing involved when her daughter, Courtney, was born 2 1/2 years ago.

She quit her job of eight years as a finance manager at Concord Printing in Cape Girardeau. Her husband, Steve, continues to work at Procter and Gamble, and, four months ago, daughter Cassie was added to the family.

"My husband wanted me to quit working to stay home with the baby, but I wasn't sure that was for me," Fels said. "I thought that I would really miss talking with adults every day.

"But now I think it's the best thing I could have done. In fact, I can't imagine not quitting work now."

Although for different reasons, Bryan and Kim Farrow of Oak Ridge had the same conversation when their son, Bryan Keith II, was born.

Four months after "Keith" was born, doctors discovered a tumor on his spinal cord. Now 3 1/2, Keith is confined to a wheelchair.

"When Keith got sick, the most important thing was being with him," Bryan Farrow, 30, explains. "We had to take him to Children's Hospital in St. Louis.

"I was driving truck at the time, and it was easier for me to stay with him than for Kim, who also was working."

Kim, a payroll clerk and receptionist for Potashnick Construction in Cape Girardeau, had insurance through work and a steady income.

She and Bryan decided he would stay home with Keith. "It made sense for her to keep working, and I was willing to try staying with the baby," Bryan said.

It was a trial by fire. Jesse Drew Farrow was born about a year after his brother, and this month, Nicholas Xavier, was born.

Undaunted, Farrow said he's "getting the hang of babysitting full-time" for his three sons.

"I like it," he said. "If you make them mind, it's not so bad. If you explain things to them and make them understand, they mind well. But you have to make things interesting for them.

"That's not usually hard for me, because I'm just a big kid anyway."

Like the Fels family, Bryan and Kim Farrow came to their decision jointly.

"It was a decision we made together," Bryan said. "She misses the boys during the day, and when she comes home, she's tired. But I think she's OK with it."

Fels said the decision probably isn't for everyone. The added financial burden associated with child rearing is only exacerbated by the loss of a second income.

And it isn't that there aren't adequate day care providers in the area.

"There are some great care givers, but we wanted to know what our kids do during the day," Fels said. "We wanted to watch them learn to walk and talk.

"I'm at home to teach my daughter her manners. I think it's important that I be here to start them on the road to being good persons."

Farrow said the expense of child care, particularly when a child has a physical handicap, exceeded the benefits of a second income.

"Between the cost of day care and going back and forth and getting him, it gets expensive," he said. "I think my staying home is the best situation right now."

But both Farrow and Fels realize that not all parents are able to give up work to stay home with children.

Fels said she has great admiration for working mothers able to juggle a career and parenting, and succeed at both.

"I have friends who stay home with their children and they're good kids," Fels said, "and I have friends who have to send them to day care and they're good kids.

"There are quite a few moms I know who are staying at home," she added. "And there are a lot of other moms who aren't staying at home, but would like to.

"But I really think most mothers would like to stay at home if they could."

Although their situations differ, Fels and Farrow share the same joy from constant interaction with their children.

"I feel fortunate," said Fels. "I love to see their personalities evolve. They make me laugh, and that's something that everyone needs."

Farrow added: "They're all adorable. Really, children are the most wonderful thing in the world. I love kids.

"I think the most important thing is to spend time with your kids and fill their lives with as much love as possible."