BALANCING JOBS, FAMILY

Shari Marvel likens her family's hectic lifestyle to a juggler struggling to keep all the balls moving in the right direction.

"It's all a juggling act," she said. Children, a full-time and part-time job, a business, and her husband, Joe, works the night shift. The couple has three children, Tera, 15, Billy Joe, 13, and Austin, 4.

The Marvels are not alone. In 76.2 percent of Cape Girardeau County households with children, the mother works, according to 1990 statistics. In 1980, the percentage was 62.8.

That means thousands of people are working to balance work and families.

Marvel works full-time as the administrative assistant at the Judivine Autism Center on the campus of Southeast Missouri State University. She also runs a beauty pageant business. Over the holidays, Marvel took a part-time job at Del-Farm to earn extra money for Christmas presents.

She also is active in the Cape Girardeau Central Junior High School PTA and a member of the local Jaycees. Marvel lives by her daily planner, in which she keeps "everything."

"If I don't write it down, I can't remember," she said. "At the end of the month, I look back and can't believe we did all that."

At home, Marvel said, she has a schedule for the whole family to do housework. "We all have to help," she said.

Her husband works the night shift at Resin Exchange. But before he leaves for work, he fixes dinner so it's ready when the rest of the family arrives home.

Having two teenagers makes life more complicated. She spends lots of time picking up and dropping off the youngsters for their various activities.

"They have their own friends and activities," she said. "And on Friday nights they want to go the mall."

While life seems hectic at the Marvel household, she said, all the bustling about has some benefits.

"It keeps the adrenaline flowing," she said. "And it shows kids there are goals to be met. It shows them if they get down and really dig and keep their goals in mind, they can accomplish whatever they want.

"In comparison to other mothers and other parents, who don't have full-time jobs, it doesn't seem that they are doing that much different with their kids or getting any more accomplished."

Marvel said faith in God helps keep the family in balance.

"We go to church every Sunday and Wednesday and that gives us a major dose of right and wrong and a measure of what's too much and what's not enough.

"Every once in a while you have to stand back and reevaluate what your priorities are -- God, family, job, other things."

But, she said, the hectic schedule has its drawbacks. "You can never find a pair of clean socks when you need them."

The result of these sometimes hectic lives often is stress, said Claire Lafoon, clinical therapist and coordinator of education and training at the Community Counseling Center in Cape Girardeau.

"Gosh," she said, "Everybody's doing it, but not without a lot of difficulty."

She advises families to set some priorities and realistic expectations.

"Many people expect perfection -- the perfect house, the perfect three meals a day. But they don't factor in working 40 hours a week," Lafoon said. "I think it is real important to prioritize and accept that maybe you cannot do everything you thought you could or think you should."

While lowering expectations and focusing on what's most important sounds logical, Lafoon said, it's not always easy to achieve.

"I think no matter what you're doing, you are always going to feel guilty that you should be doing more."

She cautioned parents to deal with their guilt themselves rather than try to "make it up" to the children. "What I see happening is a lot of parents feel guilty for not spending time, and make it up by buying things or being more lax with discipline. I don't think that's the answer."

Debbie Tracy opted against the juggling act for her family. She and husband, Brian, have two children. Clint, who attends the U.S. Naval Academy, and Lauren, a freshman at Cape Girardeau Central Junior High School.

She has been a stay-at-home mom since her children were born. But that wasn't her goal, initially.

"I was going to be the perfect career person, wife and mother," Tracy explained.

But her husband works a job that require frequent travel. "I was faced with the responsibility of raising a child and it was hard for me to give up what I felt was a goal," Tracy said. "But that goal was replaced with something I realize now is much more important."

She said it was a hard decision, but 20 years later Tracy has developed a philosophy. "The small things done are more important than the great things planned," she said, advising parents to make the most of the little things in life.

"I think we all need to remember to be thankful and grateful for the privilege of parenting," Tracy said. "The time you get to be a parent is limited, and you never get that time back again."