Attack of the fast food ads

The only thing more disturbing than the thought of Lil' John singing the national anthem is watching all those emotionally harmful Hardee's ads on TV. As soon as they come on, I frantically search for the remote and aim for the mute button. Then I have to close my eyes because I know that some mentally ill man is failing to open a cereal box or crack open an egg. What male-bashing citizens did this, I'd like to know (slamming fist down)!

Then there are the thousands of different McDonald's ads that are now being aired endlessly across the nation. Why do they need so much advertising? Everyone knows what McDonald's is! Now I can see why their prices have gone up since they spend millions of dollars on their pointless commercials. Their ads aren't as bad as Hardee's because they just show people having too good of a time eating greasy food.

For those of you who have not seen the Hardee's commercials, you obviously don't have a television. You're one of the lucky ones.

For those of you who do have a television, yet for some reason have not seen them, simply count the number of times you've seen the slow-motion TV clip of Janet Jackson and multiply that by 100.

That's the number of times a day they play Hardee's commercials.

"I've gotten calls from fast-food places that ask if I can make them any more of them thin patties," the commercial says, "and then I get a call from this guy who wants thick Angus beef patties; I mean we're talking huge! You know who it was? Hardee's." (Dramatic fade.)

A little overdone, you think? I mean does anyone actually sit there, watch that ad, and say, "HOLY HAMBURGER PATTY!" and then burst out the door and head over to Hardee's to get a little slice of heaven between two buns?

Those aren't the worst, however ... oh, no. My favorites include the man trying to open a cereal box and ends up spilling it all over the floor, AND the man who is cracking open his entire carton of eggs and basically just smashing them on the counter or completely missing the bowl.

And then their slogan (that makes me want to kick in the screen) says, "Without us, some guys would starve." I proceed to turn into the Hulk and throw random people around on the street until I calm down from these disturbing displays of male bashing.

I've considered a lawsuit, but that takes too much effort. I mean, I know how to pour cereal and cook scrambled eggs. I know how to cook frozen pizzas and Ramen noodles, too.

Oh, and if you're on one of those low-carb diets you can always get one of those creative concoctions that Hardee's thought up. You know, that thing that's a burger, but without the buns? Whoa! Just a second (catching breath). I was just overcome with shock from the pure genius of the whole thing. Whew!

Well, I'm glad I got that out. I just wanted to point out that those commercials make us males look dumb. And in case you haven't noticed, we actually do know how to do some things on our own ... like cook.

Oh no. I've got to go. Apparently I forgot about the 57-egg omelet I was making. Great. I'm sad to say it's now killing everyone in its path.

Another fast-food day for me, it looks like.

Hardee's, you say? (green chest bursts through shirt).

Sam DeReign is a senior at Oran high school. You can contact him at sdereign@semissourian.com