AGING AMERICANS: MORE RETIREES FIND PARENTS STILL NEED CARE

Editor's note: This is the last of a five-part series examining issues facing America's elderly population.

JACKSON -- When Nelson and June Stone finally stopped taking care of their three children, they started taking care of their parents.

The Stones, both in their 60s, are among a growing number of Americans in the "sandwich" generation -- recent retirees caring for aging parents.

Figures from the U.S. Census Bureau project that as the average length of life increases, more people will face similar situations.

Nelson's father, 95, lives in a nursing home in Jackson. June's mother, 94, lives in a nursing home in Farmington. Nelson also is guardian of his 50-year-old sister, who has Down's syndrome.

The Stones knew they wouldn't be able to provide all the care needed by moving them into their home, so they chose nursing home care.

"You look for a place where they are safe and comfortable," June said.

But sometimes safety and comfort don't always equate with a parent's happiness.

"You deal with a sense of guilt and dismay because you want them to be happy," Nelson said. "But there's nothing you can do to please them. It would be a relief not to deal with it, but it's part of the responsibility."

Retirement for the Stones hasn't been the idealistic life that many envision, but neither June nor Nelson regret their situation. "It's OK and we deal with it," June said.

Nelson added, "I was enough of a realist to know that this was a difficult thing, but I had to do it."

Caring for aging parents puts more responsibility on immediate family members, many of whom are still caring for their own children or grandchildren, said Desma Reno, director of the Institute of Gerontology at Southeast Missouri State University.

Many family members provide care at home or are involved in decision-making at nursing centers.

"Today people are expecting information, and the consumer wants to be in control of their condition more than they used to," Reno said.

"That puts a lot of pressure on the health-care environment and more responsibility on the families."

June has help caring for her mother: She has four sisters who live in Farmington and are able to check on her daily. Nelson has the sole responsibility for his father's care since his sister lives in Maryland and can't make day-to-day decisions.

"He handles it well," June said, admitting that she gets upset easily when problems arise. "You just do the best you can," she said.

Providing adequate care is always a concern, Nelson said. "What's a reasonable amount of medical care and what's too much?"

He had to make the decision recently when his father fell and hit his head, which caused swelling in his brain.

Nelson had to decide if his father should have surgery to alleviate the pain, even though his father had asked to have no more surgeries. In the past 10 years, he was treated for colon cancer, had gallbladder surgery and two cataract surgeries.

"I had to come to the assurance in my mind that it would be the decision he would have made if he could have looked at it from a distance," Nelson said.

The Stones don't belong to any support group for caregivers, but rely on family members and friends for encouragement.

"It's like having old children, and you don't feel like you can correct them or be the parent to them," June said.

It's a reverse situation, Nelson said. "With your children you see them improve as they grow stronger and can care for themselves, but with parents you see them gradually lose the ability to make decisions or take care of themselves. I can see why they call it reverting to childhood. They just go backwards."

Providing the care for elderly parents isn't that difficult, June said. "The hardest thing is watching them. Now it's not like I have a mother. I lost her several years ago. Now I take care of a person. You still love them, even though they don't know you."