12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, IN 48 HOURS

I am the worst procrastinator I know. Seriously. I'll put off anything until the last minute. Just ask around.

Obviously my penchant for procrastination has gotten around the newsroom. My first hint was that I'm the only one left who hasn't even bought wrapping paper, much less wrapped anything in it. And secondly, my managing editor said that we needed to highlight the "12 Days of Christmas" and that I would be great at finding all of the items locally.

Well, I don't know about you, but "Calling Birds" and "Maids a'Milking" just aren't my typical shopping fare. But I looked her in the eye, took an expense account form in hand said, "OK I'll give it a shot."

"Oh, no!" she said. "You don't get an expense account. Your husband has been bragging about your promise to get him the 12 Days of Christmas and we can't wait to see what you bought!"

"Bought?" I said sheepishly. "Sure. I've bought him...some things..."

I walked back to my desk and looked at the calendar. December 18th. This doesn't look good.

Now, you might be thinking, where do you get partridges in Southeast Missouri, especially on short notice? I'm not so sure that they're native to this area, but if I've got to find one, I'll find one. Even on my budget.

Actually I found more than one in the Partridge Family video I bought at Disc Jockey in West Park Mall for $9.99.

Pear trees, on the other hand, are a little harder to find. Most are out of season this time of year and look pretty bare without their leaves. So, off I went to Silk Tree Factory where I bought a ficus tree for $14.99 (on sale, no less) and a fake pear for $2.99. Carefully assembled, my "Partridge in a Pear Tree" shouldn't make hubby too suspect on how little I spent, I hope.

"Two Turtle Doves." Doves are pretty expensive and turtles aren't always easy to find either. I made a few phone calls and found the perfect substitute. Wes Kinsey at My Daddy's Cheesecake made two Turtle cheesecake slices with doves on them for me for a total of $5.

I didn't have too much trouble with the "Three French Hens" because I knew that Mr. K's had roasted chickens and French bread for $14.64. A chicken dinner works well around my house any day, especially now that I don't have to cook for Christmas eve.

My true love and I are both on the road a lot and finding time to talk to one another isn't easy. That's why I bought him "Four Calling Birds" -- four 30-minute calling cards with eagles on them -- so he can stay in touch with me. You can find them most anywhere. I just happened to be at Wal-Mart buying some necessities (Why can't the 12 Days be more practical like toilet paper and dishwashing soap?) when I spotted these. Total cost: $29.92.

"Five Golden Rings" was one I had to think about for a bit. Luckily my hubby enjoys eating fine-cooked meals from a well-dressed table. So I went to The Fantasticks in Plaza Galleria and bought five gold Department 56 napkin rings for a total cost of $12.50.

I really can't afford to feed "Six Geese a'Laying," though the free eggs might be a nice touch around Easter. Zickfield's Gift Box on Main Street helped me through that dilemma by offering six Precious Moments Tender Tails at a cost of $42.

Swans usually don't want to sit in a small bucket to swim and I'd like to be able to use my bathtub instead of turning it into a pond. But, if you remember the story of "The Ugly Duckling," rubber duckies from Toys R Us are a perfect substitute. And at a cost of $17.97 for nine (they came in boxes of three so I get two extras in case one drowns), they fit better in my budget, because I don't think I can take a tax exemption for swan feed.

"Eight Maids a'Milking." Great. Not only did they expect me to find affordable cows but also eight girls to milk them at a reasonable price. Well, thanks to the creators of Meanies, bean bag animals in satirical response to Beanie Babies, there's "Bessie." These retail for the same price as Beanies, a total of $48 for eight at Victorian Memories in West Park Mall.

Now, my husband has been really looking forward to the "Nine Ladies Dancing." Obviously, I can't afford to rent nine ladies to dance, but I have talked with Mark Vomund with The Country Club Western Dancers, Inc., and purchased nine beginner's dancing lessons for him at a total cost of $22.50. And as popular as dancing has become, I'm sure at least nine of the women there will help teach him the steps.

Also a problem, because I can't find 10 Lords, much less talk them into leaping for a cheap price, I had to find something quickly for the tenth day. Fortunately, Blockbuster Video arranged 10 rentals of Lord of the Dance for me at $9.90. Yes, I'll be tired of watching it before Christmas is over, but a promise is a promise.

"Eleven Pipers Piping" is another one that having people come and pipe for me all day is also prohibitive in cost. But buying 11 pipes (plus one since they come packed in boxes of six at Toys R Us) for $1.98, I guess my he'll just have to play them himself. Gotta cut costs somewhere.

"Twelve Drummers Drumming" was somewhat easy because I consulted Jeffrey Jackson from the newsroom about my predicament. He doesn't care much for the song (if you read his column last Monday), but he sure does know a lot about drummers. He suggested that I buy "Burning for Buddy," a tribute CD to Buddy Rich with 11 jazz drummers on it. Add in the wonderful memory of Buddy and there you have it -- 12 drummers. And for only $8.99 at CD Warehouse, how could I go wrong?

So, there you have it shoppers. Total cost: $241.37. The prices don't reflect sales tax, but rest assured that Uncle Sam got his share of my holiday shopping pennies, too. And some of you may be saying that I didn't do it right because you're supposed to give 12 of the first gift, 11 of the second and so on. If I made enough money to give that many gifts, I'd simply get him better gifts.

If you're one of those out looking for those last minute gifts, take my advice: just remember to go shopping earlier next year. But for this year, maybe you'll find the perfect gifts for your true love. At least these are original and you don't have to worry about how to clean up after them.