Nate Gautier: Losing independence to find freedom

On December 1, 2018, Nate Gautier ran the St. Jude Marathon in Memphis, Tennessee, his second marathon of the year. Two days later, he met with a urologist. The following day, he was undergoing surgery for stage two testicular cancer.

Prior to his diagnosis, Nate was fit, running marathons and crushing his fitness goals. He had a passion for meeting people and making new friends, and he truly embraced life. However, the cancer diagnosis, surgery and following treatment changed that trajectory, suffocating his ego no matter how stubborn he was and how much he tried to fight it.

“When you lose your health, you lose everything you think is important,” he says.

Cancer didn’t care who he was and how he defined himself, nor did it care about important events or celebrations. So, on his birthday a little more than a month after surgery, Nate started chemotherapy, and he completed the final round four months later.

It was during chemotherapy that Nate had to come to terms with his loss of autonomy. Forced to face his own mortality and realizing he could not do this fight for his life on his own, he had to let people in, and, more importantly, he had to learn to be still. For Nate, finding the right way to fight his cancer meant giving himself permission to let go of the world around him and his fear of missing out. In doing so, he found calm. This calm allowed him to sleep so his body could rest and recover, helping repair and strengthen his weakened immune system.

Still, he struggled, both physically and emotionally. Nate’s chemotherapy treatment included the drug cisplatin and still today, for him, he says, “It just feels evil to say.” The drug burned the taste buds off his tongue and clouded his thinking. When someone would ask him a question, he wasn’t able to get the words out of his mouth. When his body grew so weak he couldn’t bathe himself, he had to accept help, and his wife Kristen embraced the role of caretaker. He lights up when he speaks of her, saying she is his biggest motivator and biggest fan and full of unconditional love. He values her honesty even when it’s not fun, and each challenge they continue to face together makes his love for her grow even more.

After Nate finished chemotherapy, he wanted to get back to work. He was tired of isolating, and he needed to be around people continuing to learn and love. However, he was flailing. He felt awkward, and this didn’t make sense with who he knew he was. He still had a passion for people, but he found it hard to be social — talking to people wasn’t coming as naturally as it had pre-cancer.

On his way to Wisconsin for the Maritime Half Marathon, a race he had scheduled so he had something to work toward as his health began to rebuild, he shared his worries with a fellow runner. After explaining he felt like he no longer knew how to talk to people, his friend simply said, “It’s OK not to be OK.”

These six simple words completely changed Nate’s perspective.

“We are always so hard on ourselves,” Nate says. “[These six words are] a vote of confidence to keep going. When you give yourself this freedom to not be OK, you give yourself freedom to be you.”

In these words, Nate found freedom in being just Nate, whoever he is on that particular day at that particular time.

Nate’s cancer diagnosis empowered him to face the reality that there is no guarantee of tomorrow. In doing so, he discovered in himself an internal button to push to keep from being too self-centered, over-emotional or spent about something upsetting. He can take a deep breath and say, “What if this is your last day?” As a result, he has become more present with people, more tender, more careful in how he treats those around him. Even though life can be difficult, he wants to use his time to do more good things and love on people he is blessed to be with, being fully present for family and friends — especially his wife — and giving them the best version of himself.

“Last year was the most impactful year I ever lived,” Nate says. In losing his independence to a cancer diagnosis and the following treatment, he found freedom in embracing the person he became.

And on December 7, 2019, Nate was back in Memphis, where he ran the St. Jude half marathon — this time cancer-free.

Hear Nate tell his own story at 6 p.m. on Oct. 22 at One City, 610 Independence Street in Cape Girardeau, at the Survivor Stories event. Seating is limited to 50 people; to be in the live audience, reserve your complimentary ticket at survivorstories2020.eventbrite.com If you prefer to watch from home, tune in to the Facebook Live stream at .