LETTERS: HELP THOSE WHO GRIEVE

To the editor:

My heart goes out to the families of Dennis Tucker and Gary Sams and to all families who have experienced the death of a child. As Mr. Johnson stated in your article on grief, "Parents who lose their children experience some of the most intense grieving. People are raised to expect to outlive our children. When they don't, it's especially shocking."

Dealing with grief and bereavement when a child dies is often socially uneasy for friends and family members of the grieving parent(s), which only compounds the grieving process. When a child dies, people are often uncomfortable with the parent talking about the child. They think it is strange for the parent to continue to display the child's photographs or hold onto a favorite possession or the child, or to frequent the child's burial location and speak with him or her -- all of which are perfectly normal behaviors.

Although it seems ironic to the outsider, what the bereaved parent most desperately needs in dealing with a child's death is to be given the opportunity to speak about the child, to say its name, so show its picture, to talk about how happy that child often made the parent and to speak about how that child at times angered or frustrated the parent.

When the parent needs is someone to just listen, to let the parent cry. The parent needs to know that the child will not be forgotten.

As a friend or family member of someone who has had a child die, don't shut that person out. Let him or her know you are there to listen, and allow the parent to talk about the child. Reach out, especially during the holidays, or go visit on the date of the child's birthday, or call on the anniversary date of the child's death. Don't worry that your are going to upset the parent or cause sadness. Conversely, your contact and willingness to listen and care will only aid in this difficult healing process.

As a note to grieving parents, help is available in the community through counseling and support groups. If you have experienced the death of a child, know that you don't have to grieve alone. Contact your pastor or area hospital social services department for a list of resources in your area where you can get help to deal with your grief.

TAMMY GWALTNEY, Director

Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Southeast Missouri

Cape Girardeau