Sideline chatter 9/4/03

Duck and cover

Contrary to popular opinion, Washington's 7-yard rushing effort in Saturday's season-opening 28-9 loss at Ohio State actually could have been worse. The Huskies could have been doing it while wearing Oregon's new "lightning yellow" uniforms.

The Ducks, sporting their new yellows with green trim, won 42-34 at Mississippi State, but they flopped with the postgame fashion police.

Some opinions:

"Worst uniforms in college football? If you saw Oregon's togs Saturday night, you know the award is retired for a while." -- Mike Huguenin, Orlando Sentinel.

"(They) resemble space suits in a cheap sci-fi movie." -- Jake Curtis, San Francisco Chronicle.

"(Oregon players looked) like rubber ducks rather than mighty ducks." -- Elliott Teaford, Los Angeles Times.

"OK, the yellow jerseys with green sleeves were acceptable, but the yellow pants looked like one giant mustard spill." -- Ted Lewis, New Orleans Times-Picayune.

Joan and Melissa Rivers, fortunately, could not be reached for comment.

And you too, Seahawks

Under new NFL guidelines, officials will now be on the field 45 minutes before games begin, with the authorization to throw penalty flags during warmups and assess them on the opening kickoff.

"This means that, eventually, the Oakland Raiders will be kicking off from their own goal line," wrote syndicated columnist Norman Chad. "Though, frankly, if I'm an NFL ref, I'd flag the Seahawks 25 yards before every opening kickoff just for those uniforms."

A word from their sponsor

The Teutschenthal women's soccer team from Halle, Germany, will take the field in jerseys promoting X-Carree, a local brothel, Reuters reported.

Teutschenthal immediately became the first team in sports history ever forbidden to proclaim: "Not In Our House!"

Talk, talk, talk

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon, when asked by Speed Channel host Dave Despain if Gordon has long-term plans to be a host on "Kelly & Regis" on ABC: "Kelly (Ripa) is really hot, so I don't mind sitting next to her. No offense, Dave -- I'd be on this show if you looked like her."

Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne (Ind.) News-Sentinel, on the significance of Ohio State star Maurice Clarett's appearance on ESPN's "College GameDay" show: "His first interview since he decided to turn amateur."

Bill Scheft of Sports Illustrated, on the fan-challenged Milwaukee Brewers thinking about closing the upper deck at Miller Park: "If they had any sense of humor, they would stretch a tarp across it with the words: 'Less Filling.'"

Jim Barach of WTVH-TV in Syracuse, on British Open champ Ben Curtis' recent nuptials: "The wedding ceremony went well, except when Curtis said, 'I do,' and someone in the congregation had to yell out, 'You da man!'"

Rough handling

The Yankees, eyeing a potential $3 million windfall, plan to stick fans with a $6 "handling fee" for each postseason ticket purchased, the New York Post reported. Which begs the question: Who's doing the handling, The Sopranos?

-- Dwight Perry, The Seattle Times