Boxing's legitimacy is down for the count

By Michael Rosenberg ~ Detroit Free Press

Vitali Klitschko says the damage he suffered to his eye against Lennox Lewis in Saturday's title bout came from a head butt.

Some controversy in the big fight Saturday, a friend said. This was the fight between Lennox Lewis and Vitali Klitschko. The controversy happened in the sixth round. It involved Klitschko.

"Really?" I asked. "What happened?"

"He cut his eyelid and part of it was hanging down."

WHOA! That's enough. More than enough. I'll never blink the same way again.

This is why I can't watch boxing. I don't need to see random body parts hanging down lifelessly. There is only one part of the male body that is supposed to be hanging down, and I don't need to see that either.

This is a sport where you throw two people together and ask them to beat each other up, possibly causing permanent brain damage. Every few minutes, you decide which guy is more beat up. He is awarded with a few points -- for being pummeled, I guess -- but the other guy gets more points. Then you send them out to beat each other up again.

All the while, you have a referee on hand to maintain order. The gentlemen must beat each other up properly.

No, no, no. Hit him in the HEAD.

Boxing experts get very upset when a fighter circumvents the rules. Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear, which was wrong; the ethical thing to do would be to punch him in the nose.

I'm not saying boxing should be illegal. This is a free country. I just don't find it entertaining. If the same scene happened on your street -- a couple of men beating the heck out of each other -- you would be appalled. You might even call the police. Put them in a ring, and it's $500 a ticket.

In recent years, some longtime boxing fans have come around to the anti-boxing camp.

They see a sport run by loudmouth hucksters and fighters with nation-sized egos. They see non-competitive bouts staged purely for money by promoters who lie about what they want for dinner, just to keep in practice.

They see contrived hatred, phony rankings, and judges' decisions that are so questionable, they make figure skating seem like the Supreme Court.

They are right about all that.

The thing is, that's the stuff I like about boxing.

Sorry. That stuff is funny to me. I can't watch boxing, but I love watching boxing news conferences. They are wildly entertaining and people are rarely killed.

REPORTER: "You say that Pavel 'The Big Borscht' Pavelov is a worthy opponent from hated Russia. But isn't it true that the Cold War is over, Pavel is from New Jersey and he hasn't had a fight since fourth grade, when a classmate retaliated after he ate the kid's Jell-O?"

PROMOTER: "That is a bodacious falsehood! This man grew up in the hinterlands of Russia, dreaming of the heavyweight championship of the world!"

PAVEL: "You got that right, dude. I mean, comrade."

REPORTER: "I have the birth certificate right here. It says, 'South Orange, New Jersey."'

PAVEL: (Smashes chair over his own head.) By now, die-hard boxing fans are probably asking the serious and pertinent question, "Is this guy a wuss or what?"

They picture me sitting at the keyboard in my pink panties, tapping away.

Well, guess what, folks? They're not pink. More lavender, actually. Now, the polka dots, those are pink.

Oh, I'm kidding. It's not like I spend my day knitting.

I like football. I like hockey. When a massive collision happens in one of those sports, sending a guy flying one way while his equipment goes in the other direction - hey, now that's fun to watch.

The thing is, players usually get up after those collisions. Sometimes they are injured, but those injuries are rarely career-threatening and are almost never life-threatening.

While those collisions are part of a sport, they aren't the whole sport. Usually there's a ball involved or something.

And if you now think that my favorite sport is hypocrisy, well, you're entitled to your opinion. Just don't come beat me up - properly or improperly.