Satire: Fake News Has Gotten Such A Bad Rap

Back in my day, fake news was a perfectly cromulent art form. Dave Barry was our generation�s Shakespeare. The Onion, that bastion of journalistic truthiness, published such classics as �Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia� and �Urban Planner Stuck In Traffic Of Own Design.�

Unfortunately, in the last few years, the term �fake news� has been unfairly tainted by politics. It has almost become a swear word.

We must not take this lying down. It�s time to put an end to the madness.

That�s why B Magazine is giving me this opportunity to resurrect the lost art of writing fake news. I�m talking about honest-to-goodness fake news, not the tripe that has infected Twitter, Facebook and everything else.

So let�s get down to business with some headlines that may or may not be happening.

Movie theater to offer blank screens and recliners

Marcrenberg Cape West 144 Theatre has announced they will start setting aside an auditorium strictly for sleeping. Featuring a blank screen, soothing background music, cellphone-jamming technology and comfortable recliners, the theater hopes to offer a relaxing place to catch a nap.

A spokesperson for Marcrenberg Theatres explained, �Not everybody can agree on which movie to watch, and this neatly solves that problem. If your kids want to watch �Marvel Superhero Reboot 5� and your wife wants to watch �Sleepless in Seattle: The Next Generation,� well that�s fine. You don�t have to watch either one with them. You can just take a nap in front of our state-of-the-art slumber screen.�

Newspaper experiments with new delivery method

Drones are the solution to everything. At least that�s the position of the Southeast Missourian circulation department, which is experimenting with quadcopters to deliver newspapers to select customers in Southern Illinois.

The problem is that the U.S. Postal Service has decided, as a cost-cutting measure, to route all Illinois mail through their new centralized sorting facility in Wahoo, Nebraska. This means the Weekend newspaper frequently arrives next year.

To put an end to the angry phone calls from subscribers, the newspaper has purchased a fleet of drones with a special attachment for carrying and dropping newspapers. Although the FAA has been reluctant to give approval to the project, early experimental results have been mostly positive.

One unexpected challenge is the attacks by bald eagles who intercept the drones in mid-air while attempting to snatch the papers. Somehow the birds have discovered newspapers make excellent insulating material for their nests.

New streetlights on Broadway reused from Stadium

Southeast Missouri State University is facing a budget crisis, and needs cash quick. Cape Girardeau is facing a visibility problem, and needs lights quick. The solution, naturally, is for the university to take down some of the light standards from Houck Stadium and sell them to the city to install along Broadway.

�It�s not an ideal situation,� explained the university�s assistant director of painful budget decisions, �but it was a step we had to take. And it�s a goodwill gesture to help the community, although I hope motorists aren�t completely blinded by the new lights and start crashing into the sculptures along Broadway.�

On the bright side � pun intended � the high-wattage bulbs should help make those same sculptures visible from space.