Satire: Writing to You From the Most �Boring� City in Missouri

Social media has been buzzing lately about a study proclaiming that Cape Girardeau is the �most boring city in Missouri.�

There�s no need for hand-wringing, though. The real news is that Cape is now large enough to qualify as a �city� under the methodology used by the study�s author, Business Insider. By including Cape Girardeau, Bollinger and Alexander counties, the �Cape Girardeau, MO-IL Metropolitan Statistical Area� can boast a population of 97,514.

Since we�re the smallest of eight metropolitan statistical areas in Missouri, it�s no surprise we�d be declared the most �boring� of the group.

But who cares? Cape Girardeau has arrived! Based on current trends, the population figure for the metro area should eclipse 100,000 by the 2020 Census. That�s a healthy jump from 90,312 as tabulated in the 2000 Census.

This steady growth around Cape Girardeau has led to some major changes in recent years.

I remember when the Marquette Hotel was a derelict eyesore and the thought of a �tech district� in downtown Cape would have been met with blank stares and/or endless laughter. �You have to go to a big city to find tech jobs!� we would say.

We don�t have to say that now.

I remember when we could drive across town in a matter of minutes without having to stop at every. single. stoplight. �At least we don�t have the terrible traffic of St. Louis!� we would say.

We can still say that, but the growing population is taxing our inefficient stoplights and interchanges. Unfortunately, the solutions pitched by engineers � roundabouts and diverging diamonds � have a serious drawback: some terrified local drivers will avoid them at all costs, spreading the congestion elsewhere.

I remember when Sainte Genevieve was a sleepy town. �Why should we exit here? This town can�t even spell �saint� right!� tourists on the interstate would say.

We can�t say that now. With a National Historical Park now a sure thing, Sainte Genevieve is poised to become a destination, and the park rangers will have plenty of opportunities to explain the reason for the extra �e� in the name. Hopefully, this new source of tourism will boost the whole region.

I remember when local towns were sports-obsessed, building playing fields everywhere, and Cardinals baseball was everything. �At least our team has won the World Series since the Teddy Roosevelt administration!� we would say to Cubs fans.

So this is a mixed bag. It�s harder to make fun of Cubs fans these days, and the Cardinals are more frustrating than ever. But we�re even more obsessed with sports. Cape has a new SportsPlex, Jackson has Whitey Herzog Stadium and an expansion baseball franchise is coming to Capaha Field.

I remember when downtown Cape and uptown Jackson had a surplus of vacant storefronts. �Big box stores are destroying hometown America!� we would say (while still shopping at them).

We can�t say that as much now. Main and High streets are hopping, while national retailers are struggling.

I remember when people actually talked to each other � in person! � without staring at a smartphone all of the time. �At least technology hasn�t turned us into zombies!� we would say.

We can�t say that now. But that�s not a unique problem to us. Perhaps the revelation that the conspiracy theorists were right all along about Facebook�s world domination schemes will nudge people to wean themselves from their smartphones.

Better yet, maybe people can wean themselves from sharing clickbait stories about city rankings. If Cape Girardeau is boring, then bring on more boredom!