Your child's self-esteem: A delicate balance between healthy and the Kardashians

How should parents promote healthy self-esteem development in their children? And how do you draw the line so your child doesn't develop an ultra-inflated ego fit for the Kardashian clan?

There's definitely a delicate balance between developing a healthy self-esteem and going too far, only to have an entitled brat on your hands.

Let's start with some things parents can do to promote positive, healthy self-esteem.

For starters, always try to be a positive role model for your child. Your children learn more than you think by just watching you in your everyday interactions at home, church or in other settings. Try to model the type of positive, healthy self-esteem you want your child to have.

Remember when you were young and your mom or dad praised you for the hard work and effort you put into something? Not the end result, but the actual effort you put forth when you tackled a project with bulldog determination. This is one of the best things you can do to promote a healthy self-esteem for your child. Just remember to praise real efforts and not just the final results or successes. If your child pours his heart out but still comes up short of first place, acknowledge his efforts so he will not only keep trying, but will also begin developing skills to self-regulate his emotions when met with failure.

Also, try to maintain a nurturing, positive home environment at all times. Children raised in volatile, chaotic home environments almost always struggle with self-esteem issues at some point in their childhood, and these often continue into adulthood. No family is perfect, but at least aim for the most stable home situation you can provide for your child and family. A child who frequently hears mom and dad yelling and arguing will certainly be affected by this instability. At every opportunity, share with your child how much you love him and care about him. Give him a hug and tell him how much you love him daily. This daily nurturing can go a long way.

Next, be sure you're providing your child with plenty of opportunities to try new things. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not a proponent of having something scheduled every night of the week and all day on Saturday! But a few different, rewarding experiences every week or two serve to promote the development of healthy self-esteem in children. Pick an activity or two where your child can work and try hard to accomplish something -- something he can invest real effort into and feel good about his effort. Then, as a parent, be sure you're praising his efforts with healthy, specific praise as opposed to more flat, general praise.

Here's an example of praise that's too general vs. more effective, specific praise:

"Wow, great job!" (Too general) vs. "Great effort practicing for the band recital. I've noticed you've been practicing every night this week, and you're really working hard." (Specific)

So now that you know how to build your child's self-esteem in a healthy way, how can you be sure you don't go too far? And when do you know your child's self-esteem has crossed the line into Kardashian territory?

Too much praise, especially when it's unwarranted, can actually teach your child to rely on others for external motivation. Hey, who wouldn't get spoiled hearing how great they are for little to no reason day after day?

This is where limiting your praise comes into play. Praise is like anything else: it's best used in small to moderate doses. Don't throw praise at your child for every little thing he does. And don't dole out praise for things your child has little or no control over.

Parents who constantly shower their children with too much praise are unfortunately doing them a huge disservice. Children need to learn how to self-regulate failures as well. Not every situation in life can be met with victory and, at some point, failure is a given. Your son needs to know how to handle frustrations and failures and not have a total emotional meltdown when faced with adversity. Teach him to self-regulate so he can internally manage inevitable failures without crumbling.

This starts by not sheltering or buffering his failures. Allow him to fail when it naturally happens and resist the temptation to jump in and protect him completely. Model for your child how it's OK to be frustrated and let down without completely falling apart emotionally. And explain that failure does not mean he's worthless, terrible or any other host of things he may be tempted to call himself. Failure just gives him, and anyone, the opportunity to learn and grow stronger.

So, there you have it. Follow these guidelines and you'll be well on your way to helping your child build healthy self-esteem while avoiding and inflated ego fit for the Kardashians!

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About Shannon

Shannon Anderson is a licensed professional counselor and owner and clinical director of Tender Hearts Child Therapy Center in Cape Girardeau.