You make your own life

Do you think someone else can make you happy? Can another person fix your life or can someone else make your dreams come true?

I have a friend who's a minister. In many of his sermons, he often asks: "How are you doing?" Then he adds, "Well, I hope you're doing well, but if you're not, you had better do something about it," or sometimes he says. "I hope you're doing well but if you're not, it's not my problem." At first I felt this was a disrespectful and unfeeling statement for a minister to make. Usually, the congregation would laugh. I'm unsure how much thought went into how the people interpreted the statement, but they felt he meant no harm or disrespect.

One evening, after I again listened to the man ask the same question, or at least a similar version, an explosion went off within my understanding of what he meant. It made sense. No one can do anything about what you are feeling or experiencing except you. Someone can believe they can fix your problems or situation -- and they may be able to help. But ultimately any changes in feelings or situations must come from you. Other people cannot transform you or your life.

When you try to fix other people's problems, circumstances, perceptions or many other types of scenarios, you can easily become codependent. Then, you not only fail to help the other individual, but your life gets placed on hold as well. You can easily forget who you are and what you're like. You are living the life of another person -- someone over which you actually have no control. Your life stops.

A relative, Abby, has a son, Jackson. The young man drinks excessively. He has lost driving privileges because he drank while driving and encountered numerous other undesirable setbacks due to his inability to control his habit. Abby tried helping him every way she could. She bailed him out of jail and pleaded with him. She and her husband sent him to various schools to gain skills with which he could support himself. Nothing worked, so Abby finally decided to use "tough love." She forced him to move out on his own [he was certainly old enough] and support himself. He finally acquired a minimum-wage job at a local restaurant even though he was educated beyond his position. He bought a bicycle to ride to work because he had no license to drive, and shared apartment expenses with a friend. Jackson knows he's messed up, but he still lacks the desire to seek help for his drinking. Abby allows him to wash his clothes at her house, but she's attempting to help him stand on his feet -- to realize only he can change his situation. Only he can decide to seek help and accept its discipline.

My mother often said, "You make your own life." She was a hardworking farm woman who had seen her share of hard times, yet she always saw reason to smile and be thankful. She was sympathetic toward those who were underprivileged, but she always tried to better herself. She never told us, her children, that we were unable to accomplish anything. She held her head high and envisioned a brighter future. There is truly much wisdom in the statement the minister often makes. If people heed the advice, they will change their circumstances for the better. One of my favorite Scripture passages, "With God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26), gives me the courage to rise above the negative and press on toward the positive. With God, I know that I can handle circumstances in my life. No one can fix anything for me. I must do it myself, refrain from blaming others and strive for the prize that I seek -- that of eternal life.

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction and provides spiritual direction to people at her office.