Where do you draw the line?

Have you ever said, "I can't deal with this, I've had about all I can take?" Most of us have voiced that declaration at one time or another.

Claire had always thought of herself as being patient and caring, especially toward her family, even to the point of going overboard. But experiencing the last occurrence prompted by her niece was proving to be more than she could handle. She would have to finally place parameters on what was happening. Her niece, Haley, and her child had been living with Claire and her husband for years because Haley lacked funds to make it on her own. Haley was a single mom. Claire had opened her home to them without a second thought.

The arrangement had worked most of the time, especially since it was a necessary one, but it had been trying. Claire attempted to make adjustments constantly so Haley would be happy -- to help fix things. She knew that understanding was needed and she loved her niece and her child. Finally the final straw came that "broke the camel's back." Claire's main point of contention was she disapproved of couples living together without being married, and Haley frequently invited boyfriends to come to the home for overnight visits -- staying for days sometimes. Even though Haley tried to convince Claire that it was all innocent, that they were only friends, Claire disapproved, particularly since Haley was the mother of a small child.

The last boyfriend created the final episode. Claire tried to endure the presence of yet another boyfriend, but this time the visits were happening weekly. Claire was unsure of what to do. Haley needed a place to live and she was working steadily trying to create a life, but Haley was asking Claire and her husband to accept something they vehemently disapproved of. Something had to give, but what? Could she undergo anymore? Then a flash of insight came to Claire. Yes, she probably could take more "if she chose to." But Claire wasn't sure she wanted to take anymore of what she considered disrespectful and imposing treatment. The key was choice.

How many people are in similar situations? You are afraid you are being uncharitable and unkind if you put a stop to something you shouldn't have to tolerate. Many parents stomach behaviors from children because they think everybody else is doing it or their kids will fail to love them -- a reason why many accept unfair situations. Regardless of the reason, you need to stop and discern if what you're feeling is a rightful emotion. Do you have the right to feel unjustly wronged? If it's time you pulled out, so to speak, then don't take the stance that you simply can't take it anymore. Realize that you've decided to make necessary changes, feeling that everybody will be better off in the end.

Often you're tired, emotionally spent and exhausted from dealing with the difficulty of your situation. Remember that God expects you to love yourself, and if an unfair circumstance keeps re-occurring, keeping you in turmoil, take a stand. Being a martyr only makes you ill and bitter. It's great to help people when they need it, but don't forget you have a life, too. You can only assist people by aiding them in rising above their unfavorable encounter. You can't support someone when you allow yourself to enter into the dilemma with him. There's a limit to what anyone is expected to endure, so rather than feeling guilty at thinking of your own self-preservation, make a choice to take a stand and say, "Yes, I can take more but I do not chose to. I'm too good to be abused further. I am made in the image of God and Jesus' words were ‘Love you neighbor as yourself.'" Don't let fear keep you from drawing the line when the need arises.

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction and provides spiritual direction to people at her office.