When cozy and comfy replaces hot and steamy

This is how a 50-something-year-old guy describes how it happened to him: "One night, I actually dressed up in a clown mask and a tutu, hoping to spark things up in the bedroom. My wife looked more nauseous than turned on. Two years later, I looked over at my wife sleeping soundly beside me ... and I knew that the circus had somehow sneaked out of town, never to return."

This man is referring to a common scenario of "bed death": When "cozy and comfy" sneaks in and replaces "hot and steamy." Familiarity can be a wonderful thing. But for this couple, like so many, it can breed, not necessarily contempt, but a kind of morbid drowsiness when it comes to sex.

No one can expect to maintain the thrill of high-wire sex in a long-term relationship. But there are things that can be done to revive a moribund sex life. In the very least, it will take turning off that reality show on the telly and dealing with the reality that is happening in your bedroom. And, at the most, it will take courage.

Here are three suggestions:

Build bridges. By the time your bed has become a graveyard, the road between you and your mate -- the one that sexual desire once so easily traveled -- has washed out. There is no easy access to that person lying so close, yet so far away. What was once anticipated is now dreaded. Bridge-building is really about finding new -- or old -- ways to access your partner.

Sometimes it is as simple as reaching out across the divide, and starting to touch your mate in a tender, not necessarily sexual way. Tenderness can be very bridging.

Another important bridge is to start doing things for your mate that you know will be enticing. Wear that little number from Victoria's Secret your husband wants you to ... and stop thinking that he should love you just like you are, comfy in your favorite sweats. Wear that cologne that she likes ... and stop demanding that she should be satisfied with your natural "manly" scent.

Find your sexual voice. Affairs are compelling because they give you a sexual voice that you somehow have lost contact with -- or feel embarrassed to use -- in your marriage. In affairs, it is easier to take sexual risks. If you want to avoid that cheap carnival ride, it is time to get courageous and find that sexual voice in your home. Speak up. Communicate what you need.

And learn to take responsibility for your own sexual inhibitions. After all, it is your hang-up; take responsibility and don't blame it on your partner.

Get started. Avoidance breeds self-consciousness and anxiety; it becomes its own self-fulfilling prophecy.

One of the best things you can do to re-engage your sex life is to make a date. Forget spontaneity. You are no longer so fancy or so free. Designate an hour at least once a week for intimacy. Start out easy, just sharing and touching, then move on to rediscovering each other through non-pressured sexual play.

This is a complex problem. Bed death usually has its origins far from the bedroom. Women will tell you that talk is the best foreplay. Men need to deal with that. Just like women need to deal with the fact that men are aroused through visuals ... and do what they can to keep themselves a visual treat for their men. But it really does come down to this: dedicating yourself to showing up at the same place at the same time; shutting the door on all worry, obligation, past offense; and wearing nothing but a big ole smile.

Nature will do the rest.

Michael O.L. Seabaugh, a Cape Girardeau native, is a clinical psychologist who lives and works in Santa Barbara, Calif. Contact him at mseabaugh@semissourian.com.