The Five of Clubbs: The birds and the bees (and the falcons)

Before the kids were born, I convinced my husband, Bob, that we should not use euphemisms for our children's body parts. It wasn't easy. The real words sound strangely clunky, especially when applied to newborn bundles of cuteness. When I would remind him as he was changing our firstborn's diaper to make sure he wiped off her labia, he would cringe and tell baby Eva, "Mommy wants to make sure I clean your Girl Power."

Brooke Clubbs

When she was 2 and we were expecting her little brother, the inevitable question came about how he got in my tummy. I decided to provide an age-appropriate biological explanation, where instead of explaining sex at the beginning, I said, "Mommy and Daddy have a special cuddle."

A few mornings later, Eva climbed into bed with us and gave Bob a big hug. She snuggled into him and then looked over at me and said, "Now I'll have a baby, too!" Oh, my. As with so many things in parenting, no amount of preparation can assure things will go the way we would like.

Similarly, I never imagined I would have the full-fledged sex discussion in the car. Driving home from religious education class, even.

But a year ago, Eva, in the passenger seat, wanted to know the specifics of the special cuddle. This time, with her little brother in the back seat, I gave the more detailed biological explanation. She asked for clarification on a few of the logistics. Eli was silent, so finally I asked him if he had anything to say.

Eli: I liked it better when I thought the falcon brought the babies.

(pause)

Me: Do you mean the stork?

Eli: Oh, well, it should be the falcon. That's the symbol of America.

Me: That's the eagle.

Eli: Well, it should be the falcon. That's cooler. 'Merica.

A few weeks ago, again while driving with Eva in the front and Eli in the back, Eva had a few more questions.

Eva: So, do you get pregnant every time you have sex?

(Since she is now dangerously close to being a teenager, I was tempted to say, "YES. Sometimes if you even look at a boy it can happen!" But, I didn't.)

Me: Not usually. The woman has to be ovulating so there is an egg there to meet the sperm. You have to time it right.

Eva: Did you and Dad have to have sex more than three times?

Me: Yes.

Eva: But once you had us, you stopped. Right?

Me: No.

Eva: What? You still have sex?

Me: Yes.

Eli, who had again been silent, suddenly cried out from the back seat: "OH, DEAR LORD!"

These great lessons on the facts of life have taught me a few things, too:

1. I'm glad we are honest with the kids, even if it is difficult.

2. You really do need to review some information on human reproduction before you go into it.

3. No matter how hard you try to portray bodily functions as matter-of-fact and sex as a beautiful act between people who love each other ... farts are funny and thinking about your parents making love is horrifying.

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About Brooke

Brooke Clubbs lives in Jackson with the three children "the falcon" brought her and her husband.