Suddenly parents

The hunger to be a parent is so overwhelming for some couples that, when children aren't conceived, it can be devastating. There are struggles to overcome and grief to bear.

For some, the torment comes in suffering miscarriages or dealing with the emotional and hormonal upheaval of in vitro fertilization. Three couples from Cape Girardeau County rode an emotional roller coaster for years as they tried to become parents.

Eventually, their ride came to a stop -- at the point when adoption seemed the next logical step.

While adoption is a viable choice for many families, the government keeps no statistics unless the children are removed from foster care placement or enter the United States from another country. November is set aside to observe National Adoption Month.

The stories of adoptions are as varied as the children and families who tell them. Some couples chose domestic adoption and others selected international adoption, in part because there are so many children in need of parents.

The average wait for a Caucasian infant adoption in the United States is between four and five years. Overseas, the wait for a child is much less -- between six and 18 months after a home study.

"We heard about all these babies and all these kids who didn't have mothers and fathers," said Kathy Rhodes, a parent who adopted two children from Russia.

Adoptive couples must work through private agencies who arrange home visit, process paperwork and help screen birth parents. "When you work with a birth mother, they select family information based on what's important to them," said Molly Strickland, lead social worker with Lutheran Family and Children's Services.

"I think it's an honor to select the family they trust to raise the child," she said. With open adoption laws, birth mothers are allowed to have contact with the child. Photographs, letters and even visits are arranged based on an agreement between the adoptive family and birth mother.

Open adoptions are becoming more prevalent now but each state has its own set of rules. Missouri allows open adoptions.

In international adoptions, the originating government sets up the rules for procedure about visits with the child at the orphanage and court hearings. It takes about four weeks total to complete the visits, hearings and paperwork at the American embassy once a couple arrives in the country. The birth parents' rights already have been terminated, so the parents are no longer involved in the process.

When the Russian courts ask what the American couple's home is like, what the judge really wants to know is whether the couple is financially able to care for a child. But most Americans answer with details about the size or decor of their home, Wahlers said. "They want to know you are responsible and can take on the adoption," she said.

What follows is the story of how three area families came to be, with help from Lutheran Family and Children Services.

Adopting and adjusting

The greatest adjustments for Ale and Ana Wahlers, both 6, since coming to America have been cultural. The girls, born 3 months apart in Russia, were adopted this year by Jen and Ron Wahlers of Jackson, Mo.

The girls didn't speak any English when they came to Missouri in late February, so language was a barrier at first. A Russian student came to the family's home and helped tutor the children in English. She explained to the Wahlers that the girls thought the couple was hard of hearing or deaf because they kept asking the children to repeat sentences or slow down when they talked. "It was just a difference of language," Jen said.

But the family quickly adapted. "It's amazing to think they couldn't speak English in February," said Ron Wahlers, as his daughters flip through reading books they've brought home from kindergarten. Because the girls both knew their Russian alphabet, making the transition to English was a little easier. Computer software and games also helped with their learning.

Both girls are enrolled in gymnastics classes and love to dance and listen to music, their mother said. They tumble together on a mat in the family's basement. Play for them was also an adjustment, since the orphanage had few toys that American children would own and any playtime was structured.

An abundance of toys wasn't necessary for these girls, who love to make their own masks out of construction paper or find uses for toys that no one else imagines. "For them it's the fun of the game," Jen Wahler said.

The girls vied for their parents' full attention in the first few months of their arrival. "They wanted to be the center of attention" and asked a parent to watch then as they played on the swings or rode bicycles, she said.

Y2K threatens adoption

While much of the world was anticipating the new millennium, Kathy and Wade Rhodes of Jackson, Mo., were living on pins and needles awaiting word on their approval as adoptive parents for a Russian child. The couple has two children, Anton, 3, and Katherine, 17 months.

They knew the entire Russian court system and adoption process would shut down from late December until mid-February because of the potential of the Y2K computer bug. And Kathy felt that the longer she waited to hear from the adoption agency, the less chance she and Wade would have of bringing a child home before year's end.

But just a week before Christmas, the couple traveled to an orphanage to see Anton and bring him home to Missouri. He arrived in the states Dec. 22, 1999.

When Anton first saw them at the orphanage, he was delighted. "He'd see us coming around the corner, and his face would just light up," Kathy said.

When the Rhodes were accepted by the agency, they had originally been given approval for two children. However, at the time, they only adopted one. In September 2000, the agency called to see if they were still interested in adopting a daughter and the couple said yes.

Bringing Katherine home was a bit different because the adoption regulations had changed, requiring two visits with the child and prospective parents at the orphanage.

Katherine was born prematurely so her development was slow, but after about three days with her parents she seemed to be making progress. By the time she came home in March, she was able to sit up on her own and eating better.

The Rhodes knew from orphanage medical records that both their children had some health problems. However, the medical histories weren't entirely reliable, Kathy Rhodes said. Neither child suffers from any of the conditions listed in their medical histories and their only health problems today have been the occasional ear infection.

Battling discouragement

After call after call to the adoption agency, there were days when Cathy Seiler almost gave up. "I was discouraged," she said. "Sometimes I just couldn't call her and think I might have a baby."

But on this day in April, she felt good enough to call -- just to check. The social worker told her about a little girl whose birth parents were terminating rights and who would be ready for adoptive parents the next Wednesday.

Cathy said she didn't want to get her hopes up too much, but by Tuesday of the next week she was a nervous wreck. On Wednesday, she got the news. She was a mother.

In the meantime, pictures of the infant had arrived by mail and Cathy knew "that was my baby."

The children at the day care center where she worked threw her a shower the day after she and Steve learned they were to become parents. They had less than a week to get bottles, formula, clothes and a nursery together. None of it was prepared earlier because the disappointment would have been too hard to take, Cathy said.

"I'd always wanted to be a mom," she said. "I thought God didn't intend us to not be parents."

But even that was something she began to doubt. Cathy had suffered a miscarriage and couldn't conceive.

She and Steve chose Lutheran Family and Children's Services as the agency to handle home visits, screening and paperwork procedures for a domestic adoption. Cathy had even contemplated adoption through the state's Division of Family Services.

The couple had been married 21 years when Miranda came into their lives. And their world has changed for the better. "We could hardly wait for her to wake up in the mornings," Cathy said.

Miranda is now 18 months old and developing a strong will of her own.

Being a parent is an awesome responsibility, Cathy said, particularly in these scary times. But what her daughter learns and is able to understand amazes Cathy.

As a parent, Steve said, you look forward to what the next day brings.

ljohnston@semissourian.com

335-6611, extension 126