My strength and my shield

I have spent a lot of mental energy throughout my life trying to protect myself, to figure out what will be accepted by people and then fulfilling that. I put up walls of "coolness" -- overrated, for sure -- that keep me, yes, from being rejected, but also from fully experiencing life and contributing all I am to others.

I wonder -- what if we didn't try to protect ourselves? What if our heart was so totally our Father's that nothing else mattered? What if we lived openly, allowing us to be a failure, stepped on, beaten, mocked, killed? What if we lived openly, allowing ourselves to be for others, lifted up, fully alive, made new, known?

The most beautiful moments of my life have been when I am vulnerable and not pretending, trying to protect myself, or trying to be anything or anyone at all. Those are moments of connection with people, the moments that have changed my life and the lives of others. Some of the most painful moments have also been when I am vulnerable, although far too often I throw up walls before I feel this pain -- others' or my own.

There were moments when Jesus protected himself by telling others not to tell anyone who he was, but they were always after moments of authenticity and truth -- when he wasn't protecting himself. He didn't shy from others' or his own pain, and even allowed himself to be killed for people who might or might not appreciate it. I think that is one of the most beautiful and terrifying parts about authentic love -- it doesn't ask for love in return. It just loves, because it is brave and can't help itself.

My favorite part of the Mass comes just after the bread and wine are transformed into Jesus' body and blood. The priest holds Jesus' body in the form of the consecrated host in the air and says, "Through him, with him, in him ..." These words speak to the depths of me because that is how I want to live my life: through Jesus, with Jesus, in Jesus. A complete, total reliance upon him, surrounded on all sides by his love and grace that also lives through me. This is the authenticity by which I crave to be liberated.

I need to be saved from trying to protect myself -- from safety -- which is really just me not being true to who I am, me not being true to my God who made me. My own defenses focus my attention on me, instead of keeping my eyes on my loving Savior. I fail, but he never does.

Maybe the key is to focus, not on myself and who I should or shouldn't be, but to fix my eyes and heart on Jesus and follow him, trusting him to be my strength and my shield. It's through him, with him and in him that he will show me what it means to live life, through him, with him, in him, that he will help me understand.

Mia Pohlman is a Perryville, Missouri, native and graduate of Truman State University with a bachelor's degree in English. She now lives in Athens, Greece, where as a Fulbright fellow she teaches English.