Managing the parenting struggle between parents and grandparents

Hopefully you've had a chance to try the tips I outlined in the last issue of Flourish about getting your kids to listen in public. I'd love to get your feedback regarding the tips, both successes and failures, along with suggestions you might have for future column topics. Email me anytime at shannona@tenderheartschildtherapycenter.com.

Shannon Anderson

For this issue, I'm going to address a reader-submitted question about how parents and grandparents can work together to raise kids in a united, healthy way. How can you best handle the delicate relationship balance between parents and grandparents when it comes to parenting issues? I want to cover this issue from both perspectives, so hopefully you'll gain some useful tips whether you're on the parent or grandparent side of the equation.

Let's start by dealing with this from a parent's standpoint. If you've been a parent for long, you've undoubtedly experienced a situation where grandma or grandpa stepped on your toes and undermined your parenting wishes. Unfortunately, many parents may have experienced this a handful or more times. The hurt, anger and feelings of being undermined really hit home and sting on a deeper level.

So what can parents do if grandma or grandpa has a habit of allowing the kids to do things mom and dad are not OK with, such as letting them stay up past bedtime, eat snacks you have asked that they not eat, or other things that undermine your wishes as a parent? Try these steps:

* Start by assuming grandparents are most likely not undermining your parenting wishes intentionally. It is far more likely that parenting conflicts between parents and grandparents result from grandma or grandpa's desire to help mom or dad do things better. You should first assume grandparents mean well, but are merely misguided in their efforts.

* Don't criticize. This is a sure way to harm the relationship and will not do anything to help the conflict or situation.

* Always acknowledge grandparents' desire to help, albeit misguided at times. When you need to address an issue related to a parenting conflict between you and grandparents, start by sincerely acknowledging their desire to help.

* Set firm boundaries regarding your parenting wishes moving forward. Be clear that you have your own preferences on how things should be handled. Try saying something such as, "I really appreciate your input and help, but I have a specific way I want to handle this. I would love your support in the future. Can I count on you to work with me on this?"

If you're a parent, this should give you a good place to start. Now, let's take a look at things from the other perspective -- from that of the grandparent. Here are some guidelines to follow to ensure you are supporting and not unintentionally undermining your own child's parenting efforts:

* Start by respecting the different role you have as a grandparent versus as a parent to your grandchildren.

* Don't let your grandchildren put you in the middle. Remember, kids are very smart, and most will use whatever tactic they can to get what they want. If you feed into this unhealthy tactic, you are actually teaching your grandchildren that manipulation is successful and reinforcing its use in the future.

* Be clear with mom or dad about your role as a grandparent. What will you do, what won't you do? Respect your own boundaries and make them clear. Don't take on too much responsibility and make yourself resentful. Today's busy parents often rely heavily on grandparents for free or cheap caretaking, yet some try to micromanage discipline and every other every parenting decision that comes up throughout the day. There has to be a balance between time spent caring for the child and flexibility in terms of decision making.

Overall, the delicate balance between parents and grandparents as they parent children can be a challenge. Just remember to keep open lines of communication at all times. Parents and grandparents should show respect for one another at all times and set boundaries to make expectations clear.

And please remember never to argue in front of the children. This undermines authority and is unhealthy for the adults and kids involved. A child overhearing an argument between parents and grandparents is just as damaging as one between mom and dad. Like it or not, you're a role model for your kids, and they are far more likely to "do as you do," not "do as you say."

So now you're armed with some basic tips to handle such family parenting conflicts in the future. Please don't be shy about sending me questions or feedback, both good and bad, related to this article. I would also love to hear suggestions for topics to cover in upcoming Flourish issues. Just email me at shannona@tenderheartschildtherapycenter.com!

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About Shannon

Shannon Anderson is a licensed professional counselor and a national certified counselor and owner and clinical director of Tender Hearts Child Therapy Center in Cape Girardeau.