Keeping perspective in the age of Viagra

In last week's column, we took a look at how Viagra has changed the sexual landscape for men as they round the bend.

My investigation found that men mostly liked their little blue pills and, even though they didn't necessarily admit to "erectile dysfunction," were happy for the confidence boost it gives them in the waning of their glory days.

But, according to a recent British Medical Journal editorial, "Optimism about pro-sexual drugs needs to be tempered by the awareness that all sexual behavior is the sum of psychological, interpersonal, cultural and biological elements. Sex can seem like a simple matter, but it is not."

Amen.

When we were younger, sex seemed so simple in its urgency and satisfactions, yet complicated in its mysteries. How have things changed for us since those days? Because we have spent our time in the saddle of sex, have we really solved its mysteries? Have we succeeded in rendering it, finally, a simple matter?

I polled my male correspondents on this one and got some interesting responses.

A 61-year-old divorced father with grown children sees sex very differently from when he was a younger man. "These days I feel I have no orgasms to waste. At times I think of just giving it up completely, like Julian Greene -- the writer -- who said it got in the way of his relationship to God. Sex is great, but if it is not building a relationship it depletes the individual."

Not exactly on the same high road, this 56-year-old married man, still raising his kids, was a bit more cynical about the topic: "I don't want to have sex with my wife because, well, she's old. Or is the truth that I don't want to have sex with my wife because I'm old? I've gone a long time without jaw-clenching, volatile sex and I've become a product of my own abstinence: a guy who is comfortable abstaining from sex."

This same guy has another lament. "A man doesn't lose interest in sex, sex loses interest in him. You get older, you don't get the same response to whatever it is you've got."

Men who have done time in the institution of marriage are in a particularly vulnerable category in the new Viagra-enhanced world of sex. Stories abound of men who, having lost their way in the marriage bed, are now popping the little blue pills and roaming the streets in search of those missing libidos.

I checked in with a sex therapist colleague who reports that middle-aged men do have certain advantages that their younger brothers lack.

This is what she told me: "As men age, they definitely slow down in the sex department. But if they can stop fighting this and just go with it, their bed partners will benefit. There are, after all, newer skills of intimacy required: Communication, vulnerability, the sensitivity of touch. Men need to keep things in perspective. These skills can trump Viagra's promise any day."

And, she reminds me: "Sex is healthy, you know."

Science backs her up on this one.

Let's review:

Men who have sex to orgasm two or more times a week live longer than men who have sex less than once a month. They are also three times less likely than their less active brothers to suffer a heart attack.

Maybe not is all lost for aging lotharios in this Age of Viagra. Now if we can just keep it all in perspective.

Dr. Michael O.L. Seabaugh is a Cape Girardeau native who is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years experience helping individuals and couples with their emotional and relationship issues. He has a private practice in Santa Barbara and Santa Monica, Calif. Contact him at mseabaugh@semissourian.com.