Keep trying to love the unlovable

Life can be strange and hard to understand sometimes. What makes people treat others the way they do? Is it tradition, what you've been taught or what you genuinely want to do?

Most people make it a point to visit relatives, observe certain holiday traditions and get along with those they don't even like. Sometimes they do what they do even though they feel it's a hypocritical move. I know of one young man, John, whose wife feels comfortable doing her own thing when his relatives visit. If she wants to join in the group's outings, Jenny accompanies them in their activities. But when she isn't in the mood or feels too busy, she withdraws and does what she thinks is most important to her.

John says he doesn't mind because he won't pressure her to perform actions that are insincere and that she's pressured into doing. Rather than trying to change her, argue and cause unnecessary stress, he lets her be and accepts her as she is -- a lesson we may all do well to heed. Part of Jenny's charm lies in that virtue of genuineness. She attempts to please by sharing in really important family gatherings and also demonstrates she cares by giving Christmas and birthday gifts and allowing people to feel at home when they come to visit.

Depending on what one has been taught or believes in, he can accept attitudes and actions with which he doesn't agree, or he can feel frustrated. Unless the issue is crucial, it's better to change yourself.

Numerous people are keenly complimentary. When they call on you they mention that your home is beautiful and constantly attempt to be amicable while they're present, regardless of what upset occurs. Why? Maybe it comes from the Scripture passage "Love your neighbor as yourself" (James 2:8) or "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." (Matthew 7: 12) Both advise you to treat other people like you desire to be treated. First love yourself. If you genuinely do, then observing the two Scripture passages follows naturally.

Some individuals are conscious of the effect their words and actions have on others, but many are indifferent to the consequences. One can try to lighten someone's load or ignore their feelings. Kind words can raise a person from depression to optimism. Mean ones can scar and crush. Nevertheless, some believe they must, first, be genuine in what they say and do. That view is an ambiguous one. Sometimes saying or doing something, unnecessarily, that will tear another person down is better left unsaid or undone.

It would be much easier, at times, to say "Why bother" and leave the scene or even move to a deserted island somewhere where you would only need to please yourself. It gets exhausting trying to deal with life's tasks and keep on smiling and walking ahead. Yet people do just that. Most actually try hard to meet their obligations and help make the world a better place. And even though you're busy, stressed, tired or whatever, you keep doing what you ought to do. You continue trying to love the loving and unlovable. Why, because Jesus Christ gave his life to make that point? We love others because God loved us first.

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction and provides spiritual direction to people at her office.