Have love before you give it away

Do you truly love yourself? Does loving you too much seem sinful to you? It may first appear to be so, but loving oneself is the first step in becoming a loving human being. The Scripture passage, "Love your neighbor as yourself," (Mark 12:28-31) is evidence of that truth. Even Jesus believed we need to love ourselves first--then love others the same. That commandment was one of the greatest commandments ever given.

Leo Buscaglia writes in his book "Living, Loving and Learning," "You cannot give to anybody in this world what you do not have. Therefore we must concentrate on getting." You have to possess what you want to give away.

The culture we live in promotes the idea we should become self-fulfilled, and there are plenty of ways to accomplish it. Often mothers feel guilty when they work outside the home when their children are small. I have always believed if the mother is happy, and the children are well taken care of by a competent and loving caretaker, they are better off than living with unhappy and angry parents. If parents are happy, those around them are better adjusted and joyful.

If you love begrudgingly, people sense your insincerity--and there's no room for martyrs. Jim's mother, Lily, seldom accompanied the family to church on Sundays. She always cleaned house on Sunday mornings and cooked a nice dinner. One would believe Lily was indeed a wonderful wife and mother because she stayed behind and "worked," in her words, while everyone else left. The house was immaculate and dinner was piping hot and delicious when everyone arrived home." What we had to listen to spoiled the enjoyment of the clean house and the tasty meal. Mom never missed an opportunity to mention she had to work all the time. "Regardless of how often we assured her of how much we wanted her to attend church with us, she never did," Jimmy said. "We would rather have seen mom smiling and happy than seemingly bitter. Mom needed to love herself, first, and seek ways to attain that goal. Then she would have possessed the love to give to us. Instead she loaded the family with guilt."

Often when I take a trip, I fail to enjoy the vacation as I should because I think of those at home that aren't a part of my journey. They usually are content staying at home, but I still inherit those feelings-- a result of my upbringing. To be a martyr was condoned then, but luckily the knowledge that you must first love yourself before you can extend love to others is prevalent among most I know.

One must take the time, expend the effort and incur the expense to attain an education before he can teach others. You must learn how to build a house before you can present it others. You ought to never feel selfish because you are taking time, energy and money to constructively improve yourself. When people volunteer to help with a food pantry or in a mission field, you must first have attained necessary skills to assist other people. You must love yourself enough to invest in you.

If you become the best person you can become, you have goodness, knowledge and humor to share with others--rather than complaints, ignorance and bitterness. Love the you that you are with all your faults, and then you can better love others. Paint your own picture of the you that you envision and make no apologies if you're different. Everyone is unique, marching to different bands to a different tune. Use your insight to love others, even those looking through an uncommon lens, but remember to love yourself first so you can give love to somebody else.

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction and provides spiritual direction to people at her office.