'Growing old is not for sissies'

A friend of mine recently remarked to me, "What I fear most is getting old. I don't think I have the stomach for it."

He's not alone. It was Bette Davis who famously proclaimed: "Growing old is not for sissies." She looked to me like she would know.

It makes sense. After all, in our youth-obsessed culture, the thought of getting "old" is right up there on the terror scale, along with singing Karaoke sober.

But I say, let's face into it, this fear of aging.

Why, you ask? Because fear is infamous for bringing on the very thing that it seeks to avoid. In other words, if you fear getting old, guess what? That fear will make you old before your time.

So let's break it down. What exactly is so fearful about getting older?

I asked friends and neighbors to share their fears with me. Sharing is good when it comes to fear. Sharing it robs fear of its power.

By far, the biggest fear expressed was not fear of dying, but of losing independence; being a burden to spouses, children or even paid strangers.

This is how Katy, 48, expressed her fear: "From seeing my mom getting brain damage at age 62 and becoming dependent on nurses to do everything for her, I realized that death is not the worst thing that can happen to you. So what I fear the most is not dying, but to be forced to continue to live after losing the faculties needed to be independent."

She has vowed to make all her elder-care decisions way in advance and walk herself unassisted to the assisted living residence of her choice.

Kathryn, 61, took a more colorful approach to this weighty topic: "I have always liked to paddle my own canoe, but I seem to think more now about that rock we all hit sooner or later. My question is: Will I be able to bail and paddle at the same time? I have this vision of myself garbed in Chanel, paddle in teeth, bailing like a mad woman."

Mark, 57, fears the loss of memory more than the loss of function. As he points out: "Functions can be compensated for, memories can't."

One of the most common fears was expressed by Bob, a fit 72-year-old retired guy: "My greatest fear about growing old is running out of money. Here I am doing all those things to increase my longevity -- exercising and eating broccoli -- yet I find myself out of the work force and unable to do much about increasing my income to provide the Viagra I'll need for all those added years."

Do the romantic possibilities inevitably shrink along with our height? Many express the fear we sang about in our youth: Will you still love me when I'm 64?

One gal reported: "I fear that my only trysts will turn into kinks, and not the kind you get in your back. I fear that old men won't be good kissers ... or worse, won't even want to kiss me."

One fear that I relate to in particular was expressed by Robert, 59: Not having done what you were "meant" to do. "I fear time slipping away before I achieve all I have hoped for," he said.

It does make sense to me that fear is such an issue for those of us who are moving on. Most of us fear what we can't control, and what is unknown in the future. When you reach a certain age, the future becomes -- let's face it -- less certain.

I never thought I would find myself quoting John Wayne, but perhaps getting older requires us to get in touch with our inner John Wayne.

According to the Duke : "Courage is being scared to death -- and saddling up anyway."

Tallyho!

Dr. Michael O.L. Seabaugh, a Cape Girardeau native, is a clinical psychologist who lives and works in Santa Barbara, Calif. Contact him at mseabaugh@semissourian.com.