Grief Like Waves of the Ocean: Navigating the loss of children

Robin King and her husband, Jamie King, had two sons: Andrew and Parker. According to Robin, Andrew King, the older of the two, was the life of the party. Known for being friends with everybody and having “the most distinctive laugh” in his high school graduating class of 2018, Andrew lived life to the fullest. Parker King was known in the Jackson community for loving baseball, but the first thing his mother says about him is that he was a hugger. In December 2012, 10-year-old Parker passed away after an UTV accident. Then, almost 9 years later in January 2021, Robin received a call that 21-year-old Andrew had passed away.

“I was just getting to that point [of acceptance], but then it happened again,” King says.

Approximately one and a half years after Parker died, Robin got unexpectedly pregnant with her daughter, LenaMae. The blessing of her daughter brought hope to Robin and her family. Robin says she can see both Andrew and Parker’s qualities in her daughter.

Seeing the community remember her 10-year-old son through the Play for Parker Foundation also helped Robin cope with her grief. The Play For Parker foundation raises money to support local youth sports by holding an annual baseball tournament. Robin says the foundation will wrap up this year, since she always planned on operating the foundation until Parker would have graduated in 2020.

“You have to find your people who are going to be there and want to listen,” Robin says of going through grief. “[People] who will be there through the good and the bad.”

Andrew was old enough to understand when his brother passed away, but with LenaMae being so young, Robin has focused on helping her daughter through her grief, which Robin says has delayed the processing of her own grief.

“This time, I’ve been more angry for longer and thinking, ‘Why did this happen to us twice?’” Robin says. “It’s hard to find joy in the journey.”

Robin says she remembers her boys every day. When she sees a young boy mowing the lawn or weedeating, she can’t help but smile and think of Parker’s fascination with lawnwork. When she sees someone wearing a Mizzou shirt, she is reminded of how proud Andrew was of his university.

“Sometimes, it feels like he’s just away at college,” Robin says of her eldest son. “It’s like he’s just not home yet.”

Hearing stories about her sons and knowing others remember them has helped Robin navigate her grief. She loves getting texts from Andrew’s friends or seeing the blue bracelets they made in his honor printed with the phrase, “Long Live the King.”

Robin says she has read about grief being an ocean, a place filled with waves one must navigate. Sometimes, the waves are rough and ceaseless, but other times, the waves are calm.

“You get to the point where you can talk about them without crying, and you are more happy,” Robin says. “It’s like a peace where you’re not out in the ocean, you’re just sitting on the shore. But like I said, now I’m back in that ocean.”

Robin hopes to be a guide someday, but her grief is still fresh and painful. One thought that brings Robin joy is to think of her boys being together.

“I know they’re not alone,” she says. “I know they’re together, and they’re with my dad.”

For others grieving, Robin’s best advice is to find a support system, whether that support system involves counselors, church members, family or friends; it is important to find someone who will listen. Robin says she still has dark days, but then she thinks of Andrew and what he would have wanted for her.

“I always think, ‘Live life,’” Robin says. “Cause that’s what he would’ve wanted to do.”

When Robin was asked to participate in the Survivor Stories series, she says she was hesitant until she saw a Facebook post that reminded her of the importance of sharing her story.

“The post said, ‘One day, you will tell your story and how you overcame what you went through, and it will be someone else’s survivor guide,’” Robin says.

One day, Robin hopes to be an advocate or a grief share counselor, using her story to help others navigate their grief. One day, she hopes to be out of the ocean and back on the shore.

“I’m just not there yet,” Robin says. “But I hold on to hope.”

Hear Robin tell her story in her own words at the Survivor Stories event Thursday, Oct. 28, at 6 p.m. at One City, presented by Ramsey Branch Retirement Community and Cape Family Medical. Reserve your complimentary ticket at https://2021survivorseries.eventbrite.com, or watch online — no ticket needed — at https://www.facebook.com/semissourian.